Thursday, May 20, 2010

literary criticism: Jonathan Swift Is Way Better Than Dunkin' Dounts


Jonathan Swift

VS.

DUNKIN' DONUTS









"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. "



"Sounds good. Tastes even better."

America might run on it, but there is no contest here, Jonathan Swift is way better than Dunkin' Donuts.

It's true, Dunkin' has the best coffee at a premium price, and I do admit to enjoying a nice, refreshing Coolatta on the hottest summer days. And how cool is it ordering a Coolatta? "I'd like to order a Coolatta, please." I love that shit.

But we're talking a literary genius, JONATHAN SWIFT here. Gulliver's Travels? A Modest Proposal? Ever hear of those? Satire. With a capital SA.

Also, he's got them beat on longevity. He was born in 1667. Dunkin' was founded in 1950. And upbringing? Sheesh - no contest: Swift was born in Dublin, Ireland, how cool is that? Dunkin' Donuts: fucking Quincy, Massachusetts.


Dublin > Quincy

Sure, Dunkin' has it's share of variety. You can get their insane selection of donuts, freshly baked, Boston Creme, Powdered, Chocolate, Sprinkles - or grab a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich.

But with variety, comes a cost. 9 out of 10 times, I will get a stomach ache from one of those sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches, even though they taste so so good. Jonathan Swift only gets me sick 6 out of 10 times.

And that's because of the Yahoos: The whole "eating babies" thing:
And moral indignation: Much better reasons to get sick over, if you ask me. Which you have.

And you might think that you need a nice cup of coffee to wake you up in the morning - and this is true, I don't deny this.

But shouldn't you need Jonathan Swift to wake you up in life?

You can teach a man to eat a fish a day, but if you don't read...you won't know what a fish is, or something, I forget the rest of that saying. But I think you get my point.

So, here he is, THE WINNER: Writer, satirist, controversialist, and fierce public spirit, Jonathan Swift is way fucking better than Dunkin' Donuts. As if there was any doubt!