Jonathan Swift VS.
DUNKIN' DONUTS
"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. "
"Sounds good. Tastes even better."
It's true, Dunkin' has the best coffee at a premium price, and I do admit to enjoying a nice, refreshing Coolatta on the hottest summer days. And how cool is it ordering a Coolatta? "I'd like to order a Coolatta, please." I love that shit.
But we're talking a literary genius, JONATHAN SWIFT here. Gulliver's Travels? A Modest Proposal? Ever hear of those? Satire. With a capital SA.
Also, he's got them beat on longevity. He was born in 1667. Dunkin' was founded in 1950. And upbringing? Sheesh - no contest: Swift was born in Dublin, Ireland, how cool is that? Dunkin' Donuts: fucking Quincy, Massachusetts.
Dublin > Quincy
Sure, Dunkin' has it's share of variety. You can get their insane selection of donuts, freshly baked, Boston Creme, Powdered, Chocolate, Sprinkles - or grab a sausage, egg, and cheese sandwich.
But with variety, comes a cost. 9 out of 10 times, I will get a stomach ache from one of those sausage, egg, and cheese sandwiches, even though they taste so so good. Jonathan Swift only gets me sick 6 out of 10 times.
And that's because of the Yahoos:
The whole "eating babies" thing:
And moral indignation: 
Much better reasons to get sick over, if you ask me. Which you have.And you might think that you need a nice cup of coffee to wake you up in the morning - and this is true, I don't deny this.
But shouldn't you need Jonathan Swift to wake you up in life?
You can teach a man to eat a fish a day, but if you don't read...you won't know what a fish is, or something, I forget the rest of that saying. But I think you get my point.
So, here he is, THE WINNER:
Writer, satirist, controversialist, and fierce public spirit, Jonathan Swift is way fucking better than Dunkin' Donuts. As if there was any doubt!
