Sunday, November 28, 2010


During Thanksgiving break, I had the opportunity to make my parents' breakfast.  I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO MAKE BREAKFAST.  

But I do know how to cook two things: EGGS AND SPAM.  I scrambled the eggs with pride, and fried the Spam like anyone fries Spam, with a mix of elation and shame.  

But I forgot an important element.  My Dad hates eggs!  

Now here's where the magic happens.

Instead of freaking out and throwing a tantrum, like most men would do, he gave me a smile and patted me on my head, like I was eight again.  "Give me the Spam," he said.  

I  gave him two loaves of fried Spam.  He took the Spam, and a slice of pure American Cheese, put them on some bread and set them in the microwave.  

Here is the results:


Not only did he eat this whole thing without sharing, without stopping, as shown here:

He then proceeded to bring up it's creation for the rest of my time home.  When we got gas for the car.  "That was one good sandwich, wasn't it?  I don't even know how I thought of it."

When we went to the mall: "It just happened.  Cheese and Spam.  And then bread.  Who would have thunk it?"

When we picked up my mother from work: "I just microwaved that thing.  Didn't even know how long.  The world is a crazy place."

Before my sister came over for Thanksgiving dinner:  "Did you tell your sister about this?  She needs to know about this.  She would be proud."

And now I share it with the world.  His greatest invention:

2 loaves of Spam
American Cheese (please take out of individual package for better enjoyment)
Bread (white)
Then microwave for...he doesn't remember, you'll figure it out.

You can thank him later.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Chew on Lit

If you haven't read this article on lit magazines you should:

It says that lit mags, and the short story, are cool again.  This has been my feeling for months now.  I feel like we're in the middle of a short story renaissance.  Amelia Gray, Christian Tebordo, Lindsay Hunter, Blake Butler, Patrick Sommerville...are just a few of the greats that are making this a great time to read short stories.  

Soon, I will be published and then rich like all of these people.  After this happens, I will open my own store, hopefully here in Chicago.  

It will be called CHEW ON LIT.

It will have the largest lit mag selection IN THE COUNTRY.  We will sell lit mags, NO BOOKS.  NO NEWSPAPERS.  LIT MAGS.  

...We will also sell chewing tobacco.  

I do not chew chewing tobacco, but people that chew chewing tobacco seem to have limited places to buy and chew it.  This is an untapped market, trust me on this.  We will make most of our money from selling this, TRUST ME.  

This will be a place where people can chew chewing tobacco and will not be judged them for it.

We will sell designer spitoons for them to spit in.  We will not judge them.  

On Sunday Nights, and sometimes Wednesdays, we will play silent films.  

There will be a live organist and piano player.  It will be AWESOME.  

We will have readings and lit mag release parties.  We will have art exhibits and art experiments too, sometimes.  

And, of course, BEER.  Bongo Zeptobrewery will provide the beer because my friend Dan makes the damn best home brew and by then he'll be famous too.  Check them out!  

So we got lit mags, chewing tobacco, silent films, readings, art shows, release parties, and BEER.  It will be amazing.  It will be perfect.  It will be CHEW ON LIT.  

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Things I Believe In

If you don't believe in something, you'll fall for anything. I heard that great quote from the Sucker Punch Trailer. That Zack Snyder sure is smart!!!!

So it made me think of all the things I believe in. Make your own list and we will compare!

I believe that it's impossible to spend less then 10 dollars at Chipotle.

I believe that if a fat person asks you if they are fat and you honestly answer, yes, you're fat, they will eat you because they are fat.

I believe that if everyone had a nap time, the world would be a better place.

I believe fun is fun, except that one time when it got WEIRD.

I believe that lightning is man's one true enemy.

This I believe.

I believe that you can turn that frown upside down, sometimes.

I believe that fools fall in love, sure. But other people fall in love too, cool people, so get off my back.

I believe that pizza feels good in my mouth!

I believe in staring at people, then looking away when they notice you're staring at them, then pretending that you were just looking at the clock, or the painting to their right.

I believe in nice shoes, even if they kill your feet. It's worth it.

I believe in food, GOD, I love food. Wait, am I fat?

I believe in you. All of you. All of us have a chance. It's true. Good night.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

How Not To Do Your Homework

First, eat sushi, then go downstairs to the second floor cafeteria, and buy more sushi to eat later.

Next, Watch YouTube videos of the web show Clark and Michael from like three years ago.

Then: watch Amelia Gray reading at the Encyclopedia show.

Okay, okay, that'll take some time, sure - but then you have to call the parents! That'll take up plenty of time!

But they won't answer! Write an angry letter to them because of this.


Condemn everyone, especially that fucking dog, Falco.

Go to CVS to buy book of stamps to mail the letter.

Buy some Gatorade, the red kind, to fulfill your daily electro-light intake.



Forgo the letter. Eat some more sushi.

Write a blog about it. Link the blog in your Facebook account. Link it to your twitter. Like it on your Facebook and leave a comment just in case people don't notice it. Practice self-loathing. Fall asleep early on a Saturday night.

Dream of rhinos.