Friday, December 31, 2010

Writing Tip - Get Published, DUH

Now that I am FINALLY published in the first issue of Nap I can give this writing tip: get published!  Then people can read your stories!  DUH.  If you're not published then how are people going to read what you wrote?  I guess you can show them one by one, but that's going to take a long time!  So get published already!

Here are the steps to get published.

1.  Write a story or poem.
2.  Submit said story or poem.
3.  Wait.  Go for a walk or get a burrito or something.
4.  Get accepted and then published!
5.  Show off to friends through various internet outlets: Facebook, Twitter, etc.
6.  Write blogs about getting published and give advice because now you can because you are published!
7.  Go on a drinking binge, feel the futility of publication and of life.
8.  Wake up and repeat!!!

Have a Happy New Year and next year just get published already!  Goodness!

Monday, December 27, 2010

Now that I have OVER 500 friends on Facebook...

...I can rent out an Applebee's and have a 500 Friend Party and I will be the host because only I know all 500 people.  We'll have appetizers, like buffalo wings and curly fries and we'll sing karaoke - OF COURSE we'll sing Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, all 500 of us, can you imagine that song 500 people strong?  It'll be like bringing Freddy Mercury back from the dead.

We'll drink from a fountain of beer and my 500 friends will marvel at the ice sculpture of me, in my honor, and they'll take pictures with it and share stories of the times I hung out with them and the times I should have hung out with them and they'll share secrets about me that I only wanted to share with certain people, but no, all 500 people will know everything about me, but they won't judge they'll be in awe.

Then we'll watch The Long Goodbye on a 42 inch flat screen, one of Robert Altman's best, and not all 500 of them will like it, the movie has it's haters, but they'll sit and watch because they don't want to end the symmetry of the 500 friend party.

The problems will begin when we try and split the bill.

This always sucks, but imagine when you have to do it with 500 people!  And, of course, like 100 of them will have forgotten their wallets or only have brought debit cards, and they'll ask where the nearest ATM is and you'll tell them, but no, no, it's not their bank, can you spot them this time?

This will cause friction.  People will argue.  They will complain about not eating the appetizers they're having to pay for.  I didn't drink this, they'll tell the bewildered waitress.  There's been a mistake.  Management will be called.  It will take hours to sort out.

The bathrooms will break down from overuse, the bar will run out of drinks.  We will become sweaty and tired and frustrated.  Who thought of this 500 friend party anyway?  Who thought this was a good idea?

And then, finally, when everyone's had enough, we'll burn the Applebee's to the ground.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Things I want to do next year

Get published like everywhere


Visit Philadelphia

Have a blast at AWP

Get so drunk that I actually do make a mistake

Write a play

Ice skating

Need to have to MUST lose ten-fifteen pounds

Take so many pictures at a party that I literally document every single thing that happens there and it won't even be a good party but people will always wonder why there are freaking 1500 pictures of it on Facebook

Start casually dating: I'VE NEVER DONE THIS

Get over at least one of these fears: Lightning, Embarrassing Myself in Public, Bugs, Decapitation, Casual Dating, Hard Drugs

Investigate Chicago more fully

Write Blogs more frequently

Read at least one story a day (short stories, flash, etc)

Have the opportunity to rob someone, then at the last minute back down because I'm not ready yet

See some freaking shows in Chicago!  Goodness!

What do YOU want to do next year?!?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Writing Tip - Meet Rebekah

First, read her blog:

Look at her pictures on her blog.  Rebekah Brown is one of my best friends.  The world needs to know this.

Writing Tip #2 - Meet Rebekah!

How is this a writing tip?  If you are fortunate enough to meet Rebekah Brown in your lifetime, which you probably will, these things happen, you will need to become friends with her immediately.  It will be hard at first, because she seems weird.

But then her eyes will glaze crazily when she has an insane idea, or she'll take your joke and add to your joke and make it funnier, reaching new levels, then breaking those levels, like levels on a video game or something.  Or maybe she will make a moment so awkward that you'll have to rush out of the room to breathe again.  Or maybe you'll have the best conversation of your life with her, like I did, on a park bench, eight in the morning.  And then everything will be different.

I don't know what you'll do.  I'm not psychic, so get off my back.  But I do know you'll be better off after meeting her.  Because she is weird.  Really fucking weird.  And not in that annoying way that people say, 'oh I'm so weird' and then they're not really weird and they're lame.  NO.  Like WEIRD.  Like not-of-this-planet weird.  I'm not saying Rebekah Brown is an alien but SHE PROBABLY IS A FUCKING ALIEN.  She'll always see the world in a different way, a better way, if you ask me, with her five eyes (two in the front, two in the back, one on the right) and electric mind powers.

And isn't that what being a writer is all about?

So if you want to be a writer, there are two choices.  You either have to be Rebekah Brown or you have to meet Rebekah Brown.  This is my writing tip to you.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Writing Tip - Listen to Foreign Music!

Because I will soon be a published writer I feel like I should share my writing knowledge to you so you can be published too.

Writing Tip #1 - Listen to Foreign Music!

You should listen to music that you are unfamiliar with while writing. Right now I am writing a story that will change short stories forever. To achieve this, I am listening to Utada Hikaru's "Traveling". You should listen to foreign songs while you write so you won't get distracted by the words. Also, Asian girls are pretty.