Monday, December 27, 2010

Now that I have OVER 500 friends on Facebook...


...I can rent out an Applebee's and have a 500 Friend Party and I will be the host because only I know all 500 people.  We'll have appetizers, like buffalo wings and curly fries and we'll sing karaoke - OF COURSE we'll sing Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, all 500 of us, can you imagine that song 500 people strong?  It'll be like bringing Freddy Mercury back from the dead.


We'll drink from a fountain of beer and my 500 friends will marvel at the ice sculpture of me, in my honor, and they'll take pictures with it and share stories of the times I hung out with them and the times I should have hung out with them and they'll share secrets about me that I only wanted to share with certain people, but no, all 500 people will know everything about me, but they won't judge they'll be in awe.


Then we'll watch The Long Goodbye on a 42 inch flat screen, one of Robert Altman's best, and not all 500 of them will like it, the movie has it's haters, but they'll sit and watch because they don't want to end the symmetry of the 500 friend party.

The problems will begin when we try and split the bill.


This always sucks, but imagine when you have to do it with 500 people!  And, of course, like 100 of them will have forgotten their wallets or only have brought debit cards, and they'll ask where the nearest ATM is and you'll tell them, but no, no, it's not their bank, can you spot them this time?

This will cause friction.  People will argue.  They will complain about not eating the appetizers they're having to pay for.  I didn't drink this, they'll tell the bewildered waitress.  There's been a mistake.  Management will be called.  It will take hours to sort out.

The bathrooms will break down from overuse, the bar will run out of drinks.  We will become sweaty and tired and frustrated.  Who thought of this 500 friend party anyway?  Who thought this was a good idea?

And then, finally, when everyone's had enough, we'll burn the Applebee's to the ground.