Friday, December 23, 2011

Jellyfish are Awesome/Dogs are Terrible

Awesome

Terrible, just Terrible

Jellyish have been around for almost 700 million years. Insane. They are 95 percent water, and don't even have what we would consider a brain. And they are still smarter then fucking dogs. Dogs (domesticated) have been around for about 15,000 years, pathetic. They smell bad and carry ticks and fleas. They will bark at you when they want food or when they want to "play". Usually the "play" will involve throwing a ball over and over again to them in a boring, unending manner. There's no denying it, dogs are fucking terrible. 

He wants to have sex with your legs

Dogs will try to have sex with your legs if you do not get them neutered. Getting them neutered involves the removal of their reproductive organs. Basically, the only way you can get a moment's rest is to live with the knowledge that you have castrated the stupid thing. What the hell is that choice! Jellyfish will not try to have sex with your legs. They can reproduce sexually or asexually. Some are hermaphrodites. The male jellyfish shoot sperm into the water, the female jellyfish shoot eggs into the water and in that water life is made. That is some freaky aquatic sex right there. 

Jellyfish are the closest things we have to aliens on Earth. They are repulsive and mystical. Strange and inviting. Jellyfish meander in the ocean, the more passive ones let the waves and currents choose their destinies. They are Aquatic Taoist Extraterrestrials and can have lifespans as short as a few hours and as long as forever. Forever? you ask. Forever, I says. Turritopsis nutricula, mother truckers. It can revert to a polyp (baby stage) after maturity, and live it's life anew. It can continue this process over and over again. These creatures are known as the Immortal Jellyfish because they are effectively, biologically, immortal. JELLYFISH CAN CHEAT DEATH.

That's right, FOREVER, SUCKERS

Dogs are man's best friend? Would you want a best friend that you knew for a fact was going to freaking die in ten years? DEPRESSING. Are you familiar with the breed, Dogue de Bordeaux?

5.29 years! That's terrible!

Well don't get too attached to them, they live a little over five years. Five years! It's a ticking time bomb of sadness, just waiting to traumatize your children! 

Sure, dogs can be loyal, sweet, affectionate, and that's just swell. But you also have to feed them, take them out for walks, wash them, take them to the vets, scold them (like they can even understand!), potty train them, clean after their poop, and sneeze at their terrible stupid dog hair that gets everywhere, especially on my new black jacket, little white hairs, that will never get out, Falco, they are there because you are a dog and you are terrible! 

Jellyfish are beautiful. They are works of art. Their tentacles look like brush strokes on an ultramarine canvas. They are dreams, and, okay, nightmares, come to life. 

Jellyfish live in the ocean and in the corners of your subconscious mind

Dogs are meaty. They are droopy and furry and their tongues drip saliva onto your new carpet. I'm not saying they are the worst (who's saying that - calm down!)! But they are certainly worse than people think, pretty much terrible. And jellyfish, neither made of jelly or fish, are impossibly awesome. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kim Jong-il is Dead: Ten Predictions on North Korea's Uncertain Future

Kim Jong-il is dead! What now?

1. There is a devastating power struggle between generals and successors. North Korea is bisected. East Korea and West Korea. Despite constant posturing, the two new nations appear to be at a standstill, until the disgruntled factions within East Korea cause that nation to be further bisected, East-north Korea and East-south Korea. As more disagreements arise, the bisection continues, until there are hundreds of rouge Korean nations, bisecting into smaller rouge Korean nations, ad infinitum.

2. It is revealed that Kim Jong-il has left a video will. In the video will he reveals that his favorite singer in all the world is Katy Perry. He especially loves "California Girls" and her big sexy-sex boobs. He pauses, then, almost as an afterthought, says that upon his death, he hereby gives North Korea to Katy Perry. Everyone is surprised, most of all, Katy Perry. She rules for thirty years and is feared as the most ruthless dictator the world has ever seen.

3. Confused and overwhelmed with the prospect of ruling twenty-four million starving people, Kim Jong-il's successor, Kim Jong-un, nukes South Korea arbitrarily. America retaliates and nukes North Korea. China retaliates and nukes America. England retaliates and nukes China. Russia retaliates and nukes England. Israel retaliates and nukes Russia. There are too many nuclear weapons out there, we will realize, or would have realized if everyone were not dead.

4. Kim Jong-il is not really dead. It's North Korea's version of April Fools and we all bought it. Kim Jong-il always loved the practical jokes. We find out one year later at a banquet in his honor, in the capital city of Pyongyang. Kim Jong-il pops out of a cake made in his effigy. Kim Jong-il licks the vanilla frosting from his lips and asks, "Did you miss me?" Of course by then, God help us, we have. 

5. A new golden age. Kim Jong-il's successor and son, Kim Jong-un, dissolves his regime immediately after taking power. He takes the first steps in unifying North and South, dismantles the insane nuclear programs, and opens up trade and commerce to enter the devastated country. He will be known forever as hero, Kim Jung-un, the Great, the Greatest.

Kim Jong-un...the Greatest?

Hmm. Probably not.

6. With their Great Dictator dead, North Korea decides to go for broke. They dissolve the military and nuclear programs, and instead use their rocket technology to send North Korean Astronauts to the Moon, which, in two years, they do. Immediately after they land, the North Korean Astronauts wearily declare that the Moon has been annexed by the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. The world is shocked, but no one wants to spend the money or exert the effort to send astronauts to the Moon to retrieve it from the rouge nation. Flummoxed, the world gives in and lets North Korea's claim go uncontested. Millions starve in North Korea, but at least they get to say that they rule the mother trucking' moon.

7. North Koreans mourn their Great Leader for so long that their tears form puddles, they form tiny ponds, then lakes, and, eventually, rivers. The North Koreans cry for so long that there is more water then is sustainable. They try to escape on fishing boats, but it is too difficult, their numbers are too vast and they are too weak from sickness and starvation, so they cry even more and they drown, twenty-four million people drown and die. 

8. Nothing will change. Everything will remain the same and it sucks, it really does.

9. Or: North Korea will change, but not for the better. Just more awfulness, except maybe more modern awfulness (finally!).

10. My mom tells me the truth: Kim Jung-il and North Korea are made up, like Santa Clause. North Korea was imagined to scare disobedient Korean children and apathetic capitalists. At first I don't believe it. But then it makes sense. North Korea is too absurd to exist. Kim Jong-il staying in power for seventeen years? Being responsible for millions of deaths? North Korea: with it's widespread (preventable) famine, disproportionaly massive military, labor camps, people eating grass to survive, people eating people to survive, people forced and tortured to stay in the country, no free speech whatsoever, with daily public and private executions, the brainwashing of a whole nation. It is purposely absurd, a horror story, not like Santa Clause, really, more like the Boogieman. Kim Jong-il, my mom tells me, is a fabrication, and they have killed him off, because he is no longer believable. We've grown beyond that, she tells me. And then I laugh because I'd rather laugh then believe North Korea exists. When the farce is revealed, America laughs too, and so too, the world.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Things That Are Cool Lately


Cool, that's what I am!

Haruki Murakami! People have been telling me to read this for years, and I've finally just finished "Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World" - loved the mix of techno noir, fantasy, and satire! Loved the mental fireworks this book gave me! Mental fireworks are cool! Murakami mixes elements of the east and west! That is cool!

400 Pages of Awesome Possum


Beans and Bagels! Every (twice published! what!) writer needs a place to read and compose his literary masterpieces! Beans and Bagels is that place for Tim. It's just off the Rockwell stop (off of the Brownline). It's never too crowded, has good bagels and drinks, and is hip but not so hip that I feel like I shouldn't be there! They even have a special bagel sandwich called, "Super Tim", and, though it is not named after me, I always say, "I'll have a Super Tim today because my name is Tim and I feel super." And this always excited them which is cool!

Ask for a "Super Tim"! Tell them "Tim" sent "you"!


Jellies! Sea life is the coolest! Just yesterday, I went to the Shedd Aquarium and saw the Jellyfish exhibit! It was the coolest! Below is one of the pictures I have taken! Jellies are so strange and mystical - something so alien about them - that I could watch these gross fuckers for hours! Gross is cool sometimes!

This is how I picture THE CENTER OF THE SUN to look like! SO COOL!

United Airlines! I feel like they are the coolest airline! You might think it is not cool to say an airline is cool, but I've been flying on airplanes for years (despite being terrified of them), and know that my flights on United have always been on time, with good service! Though if they play another Selena Gomez movie I MIGHT FLIP A SHIT

United Airlines. Brought to you by Selena Gomez! 

Wolverine and the X-Men! Simply the funnest, coolest Marvel Comic I've read in years! Reminds me of the New X-Men Grant Morrison days which reeked of cool. Jason Aaron and Chris Bachalo are a perfect combination for these zany, kinetic adventures. Both of them are here to remind us that comics and X-Men can be cool, which they are!

What is going on here? Read it to find out! It's cool - TRUST ME. 


Dreaming of my Thesis! I start my thesis next semester! The road that I have started over a year ago that has led me to here is winding to a fork that will lead to the end...of the road...and that is my thesis and is cool. Does that make sense? Shit, this might suck.

The Winding Road of my Thesis is the Road to...ah nevermind 

Blogging! Blogging is always cool! Trust me! Did you notice my domain name has changed? I bought it for ten dollars and now all you have to type to get here is: readmyblogplease.com. Instead of timsblog.iscool.sex.sex.com.sex.org! Innovation is cool!

HELP! I AM STILL TRAPPED IN THIS BLOG!!!


Teddy Bear, the Talking Porcupine! 

Just watch! Trust me! He's like freaking talking! Like a Ewok or something! So cool!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I Will Fight You Because I'm Mad!


This is what I look like right now!!!!

This is a day that I am mad! I'm just waiting for you to cross me and then I will get mad at you - you won't even know what hit you - it will by my fist to your face!!!

POW! 


I am the one Grrrring because I am mad!!!!

You'll be like: "Oh no, I shouldn't have been mean to Tim when he was mad," but now I have beaten you up and you are on the floor crying! 

You might say to yourself, before I punch you, "Tim is not the one who will punch me. He is nice and will not punch me." But you would be wrong! I will use the element of surprise! I'm faster then you could even imagine, you slow stupid person! 

SMACK! 

If you were in front of me you'd already be on the ground, holding your throbbing ear, because I have slapped it! 

You will be like this little boy crying like a baby would!!!!

Yeah, mother trucker, you picked the wrong day to cross me. Shoooooottt. The wrong mother trucking day, you know what I'm saying? You are like two extra days wronger from the right day, that's how wrong you are right now, you big dummy! I am mad and I am ready to beat you up! And you will cry and cry! You will ask for a tissue to wipe your tears because you think I am nice but I am mad so you will get no tissue and I will watch you cry! 

I have so many tissues but will offer you none today!!!!

You think that I won't fight you, don't you? That I'm just saying all of this because I'm safe behind a computer, that I'm really a coward.

KICK! 

The Laptop will hit you in the throat!!!!

If you were here I would have kicked my laptop at your face and you would have been so surprised when it hit you in the neck! 

DIDN'T EXPECT THAT, DID YOU? 

And your car? 

!!!!

TORCHED, MOTHER TRUCKER. 

That's what happens if you cross me today because I am mad! I am mad and I will fight you if you cross me in the next half hour but otherwise I will go to sleep and I will dream of karate chopping you in the ribs if you even think about crossing me and then when I wake up I might still be mad or I might not - who knows! 

BEWARE. 

Friday, October 7, 2011

Music Review: Annie Clark's Disembodied Head Gives Stellar Performance at the Metro

Annie Clark's Disembodied Head
Seeing my favorite singer, Annie Clark (known to most of you as St. Vincent), perform at the Metro this week was a freaking awesome experience, even though she only brought her disembodied head. Without the rest of her body to support her, she still managed to outrock the leading rockers in the field of rock, and has more rock exuding from her disembodied head then most rockers do coursing through their entire bodies (including their heads).

I had a wonderful view behind seven foot tall twins that resembled such:

I Grew Accustomed to this Head, to BOTH OF THEM

Except picture TWO OF THESE HEADS in front of you, TWO OF THEM.

Bobbing up and down to Annie Clark's beautiful Disembodied Head.

To my right, there was a young couple, experiencing the joys of new love. Picture a longing, desperate kiss against the Sun, setting on the horizon.

So Romantic!

Except that there was no horizon. 

We were at a concert. At the Metro.

I had a comfortable position in the back of the back!
And they made the same, lovely kiss throughout the night. All night. At the concert. Next to me.

Annie Clark, Rock-Goddess!
St. Vincent sang songs from her new album, Strange Mercy, as well as a cover that no one knew at all. Impressive feats for just a head to do. Who knows what she would have done with her whole body? Maybe there is a law that makes it impossible for her whole body to be present because she would rock too much and would kill you. I do not know how she played guitar without arms and hands, her only being a head and all, but if anyone could do it, I believe Annie Clark would be the one to do it. Which she did.


As far as the musicality of the production, it was totally rocking, with a side of rock. There was one moment, in that song I really like, where she's like singing really loud and such, and like totally being a rock star. I fucking love that shit. And then there were drums and maybe a piano-like thing. And lights. Blue ones, I think.

And then there were other songs that I liked and listened to, standing, in the crowd. With a bunch of other people. Um...what else? What else? From what I could see over the:



It looked like Annie Clark's Disembodied Head was enjoying herself and the audience. She said she loved Chicago. Fucking loved being here. Any time she said 'fuck' the audience went crazy. Like it was a cue.

Well I fucking loved Annie Clark's Disembodied Head. I would fucking see her perform with other parts of her body involved. Like her arms. Or maybe some torso. I would fucking love to see some fucking torso next time! 

Monday, October 3, 2011

I Am Cooler Than Your Best Friend


Your best friend is cool and all and knows a lot of interesting things, but there's no chance that they are cooler than me. You know this. I know this. Let's not pretend here.

Sure, they might be good at soccer, but do they know the TV show, Stella? Do they know the greatness of Michael, Michael, and David?

I bet your best friend doesn't even know who these guys are because your best friend is lame, they suck

Psh. Doubtful.

Do they know even know what a Quasar is?

What is a Quasar!? I know.

I do. And I would tell you too - if, well, you know.

Do they know at least ten Korean phrases? Because I know eleven.

Have they been to more then six states? Yeah right. Double that number.That's me.

How many friends do they have on Facebook? Just wondering. 'Cause I have 566. And counting. There's room for a best friend (just saying). 

There's a story I heard and it goes like this: A good friend will come bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun!'

I am that friend in jail with you. Your current best friend is the one that will bail you out. Who is the better friend? I think I know (please reread the story again if you do not know).

I'm not saying I will do anything for you in order for you to become my best friend. No.

I will rob a bank with you, friend
I am saying I WILL COMMIT CRIMES WITH YOU AND GO TO PRISON WITH YOU (if you want).

(Just a thought).

Now. Since that is out of the way. I want you to look at your current best friend. Look at them closely, and ask yourself. Is this the best best friend I can have? Are they the coolest?

I think I know the answer already, but I'll let you figure it out first. I'll be waiting by the phone.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Regarding Anthropomorphism, Red Lanterns, and Psychology



Atrocitus: Former Psychologist

Okay, first off, I'm digging the DC relaunch! I think, in the long run, it'll do more good then bad and give fresh looks at some stale concepts! New is good! Frankenstein and Animal Man, written by Jeff Lemire are especially comics that are over-the-top and fun and pulpy! So check them out at your local comic book store!

BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT RED LANTERNS. 

It seemed and, honestly, still does seem like a great concept - a corp of intergalactic aliens transerversing the universe, fueled by RAGE AND VENGEANCE. How cool is that?

And look at the guy pictured above. That guy is mother' flippin' Atrocitus. His entire home planet was annihilated by guardians called Manhunters, meant for good but, at that time, programmed to do bad. That is a cool and devastating origin for a bad ass RED LANTERN.

UNTIL YOU READ HIS INNER MONOLOGUE.

Page Seven: As Atrocitus makes his entrance into the comic world and goes all bad ass RED LANTERN killing! Let's read some of his thoughts to get to know this guy, am I right?

"The fire is weaker. I'm not the...same."

Okay, okay, a little emo, but I can dig it, conflicted alien killing machine, okay.

"It's as though I'm simply going through the motions."

Note: he is killing aliens while thinking this. He is massacring them. Okay? But I can buy it, it's not the way I would take the character, but it's still a choice and I can respect that. UNTIL...

"A fading actor repeating empty lines."

WHAT!

AN ACTOR? 

He's comparing himself to an actor?!

HE'S AN ALIEN! HE'S AN ALIEN AND HE'S TALKING ABOUT ACTING? LINES?

We're talking this guy here:

Atrocitus: Shakespeare Prodigy

And he's thinking like a middle school poet? Excerpt from my middle school poetry:

Everyone is fake
We're all wearing masks
Like actors
Repeating memorized lines

That is from my poem, titled: "Fake Mask Wearing Actors". 

Who knew Atrocitus, A RED LANTERN, the FIRST RED LANTERN would share so much in common with my fourteen year old, pimpled past self! We should've shared poetry and rage against the fake mask wearing actor types. 

So, needless to say, that line threw me off. But comics aren't perfect. So I was willing to forgive because the concept is cool. Because new is cool. 

Until page thirteen. A flashback to his homeworld being killed. His wife and child being killed. Tragic, terrible, a pivotal scene.

"My name was Atros."

Okay. Cool. Learning about this guy. But then he says this: 

"I trained to be a psychologist."

A PSYCHOLOGIST

I wonder if he had enough financial aid or if he had to get outside loans? 

You'd be spewing blood too, if you had his student loans!

A PSYCHOLOGIST

Here's my problem. 

Why did he have to literally call it: Psychologist? Couldn't the writer have at least used a different, more alien sounding term? 

With aliens like this talking about acting, psychology, and then, shortly after, being a good husband...

I get trying to make your protagonist, who happens to be an alien, more relatable, even almost human, sure. But to shift the language to squirming unbelievability, as silly as it sounds, those lines made me not believe in the comic.

It's called Anthropomorphism. It's the term usually prescribed to giving human characteristics to non-human animals or non-living things. I am not comparing Atrocitus to a chair that you think is watching you or a dog you think loves you - he's a comic book character. 

BUT

If you're going to write an alien character, if I am to buy this world of intergalactic vengeance and creatures that spew blood and hate, the language is essential. And by that, I say no to you, acting, psychology, marriage. 

STAY OUT OF MY RED LANTERN COMIC!

Friday, September 2, 2011

HELP! I AM TRAPPED INSIDE THIS BLOG!



YOU! YES, YOU! YOU CAN HELP ME! NO NO - DO NOT GO AWAY - I AM NOT A BLOG - I AM A PERSON - A HUMAN BEING! 

THIS IS ME! HELP! BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!
AND I AM TRAPPED! FIND HELP! I THINK...I THINK MY LEGS ARE BROKEN. OH GOD OH GOD - DO I EVEN HAVE LEGS ANYMORE? WHAT HAVE I BECOME! 

HOW DID I GET HERE? 

THAT SCOUNDREL TIMOTHY MOORE, HE IS THE ONE WHO HAS TRAPPED ME HERE! 

HE INVITED ME OVER TO HIS NEW APARTMENT FOR A SUPPOSEDLY INNOCENT GAME OF PARCHEESI! 

HE DOES NOT EVEN HAVE PARCHEESI.

THEN HE PROCEEDED TO MEASURE MY SKULL AND THE LENGTH OF MY NECK. "WHY DO YOU DO THIS?" I ASKED. AND HE NODDED AND HE SAID, "YES, YES, THIS IS PERFECT!" 

WHAT INSANITY WAS AWAITING ME, I COULD NOT FORESEE! I WAS A TRUSTING MAN BACK THEN, AND I BELIEVED IN THE GOODNESS OF PEOPLE AND OF PARCHEESI!

"WHERE IS THE PARCHEESI GAME THAT YOU PROMISED ME?" I ASKED. 

"OH, IT IS COMING! I AM WAITING FOR IT TO BE DELIVERED!" HE SAID. 


PARCHEESI DELIVERED? I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HIM TO BE A LIAR RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT! 


AND THEN HE ASKED ME TO LIE ON A TABLE, WHERE HE STRAPPED MY ARMS AND MY LEGS! I WAS TRAPPED! 

HE THEN TOLD ME HIS AWFUL PLANS! 

"I WILL CREATE THE ULTIMATE BLOG," HE SAID. "THE BEST OF THE BLOGS! IT WILL BE BETTER THEN THE OTHER BLOGS WHICH WILL BE THE WORST ONES COMPARED TO MINE!" 

AND HOW WAS HE TO DO IT! BY TRAPPING ME INSIDE! 

HE WANTS TO HAVE THE FIRST HUMAN BLOG! BUT YOU CAN HELP ME! SEND FOR HELP! CALL THE POLICE! 

TELL THEM MY STORY BEFORE IT IS TOO -

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Suck Walkers

Slow and Steady does not win the race. It never has ever. Not once.

If you are a slow walker you are a Suck Walker. If you are a Suck Walker get out of my way! Suck Walkers are the people in the world who suck at walking. That is why they suck.

Groups Walking Suck Walking

If you walk in groups and take up all of the sidewalk, you are all Suck Walkers. If you walk slow in these groups because you are enjoying each others company you are a Suck Walker.

GET OUTTA MY WAY, OLD MAN!

If you are an old person you are almost automatically a Suck Walker, I'm sorry, it's just the way things are. You are old and slow and you suck at walking. Please don't get mad at me when I squeeze by you and your group of old sucky Suck Walkers. It's nothing personal. You just suck at this one, very important thing.

Look where you're going! You sucky preteen Suck Walkers!

Kids are almost always the suckiest of Suck Walkers. They are always in the way no matter what they do. Especially when they become young teens and can't control their bodies or their overgrown limbs. God, they suck. I will pass you, you teenage Suck Walkers.

Do Not Try This At Home

I'm not saying that you have to speed walk in order to not suck. That would be crazy.

...Never mind, I am saying that. But you don't have to move your arms around like that, you'll just look stupid.

It's a proven fact that if you walk faster you will get to your destination faster and if you get to your destination faster you will have more time to do what you need to do and if you have more time to do what you need to do you will not suck at what you need to do and then you will not suck, do you hear me, you will not suck! 

I think this chart proves my point.

Just move those legs. You can do it!
You Don't Have To Suck!

There you go, old people! That's the spirit! 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Cute Girl Wearing Sunglasses: Are You in Love with Me? Or Just Wearing Sunglasses?

Cute Girls Wearing Sunglasses are the worst Cute Girls. When they are on the train with me. When they are walking across the street.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT CUTE GIRLS WEARING SUNGLASSES?

You stare straight ahead and I have no idea where your eyes are! Are they on me or are they on:
Are we having eye contact, a moment on the train, or are you staring at:
Are you looking at me and thinking about the children we could have?
Preston and Molly, Future Kids
Or are you staring at the wall and thinking about:
Vanilla, Future Ice Cream
You make things so much harder and things are hard enough out here. We could be having a moment. Love at first sight. But I have no idea what your sight is on. Think about the children!
Preston and Molly, non-existent because you wore sunglasses
We will never have these children because you wore sunglasses and I had no idea if you were looking at me or not.
The Face of Cute Evil
You SHOULD feel bad Cute Girl Wearing Sunglasses. All you had to do was take them off for a second. Just a second. But no. And now we are lost forever.