Friday, May 27, 2011

Literary Criticism Death Match: Ernest Hemingway vs. James Joyce

"A man can be destroyed but not defeated."

"...Yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will yes." 

It goes without saying that both James Joyce and Ernest Hemingway are two of the literary greats. But which one is better? Many have wondered, and debated endlessly. But I think it's safe to safe that Ernest Hemingway would totally kick James Joyce's ass. 

Why do people even wonder this? Just look at the pictures. One-eyed Joyce looks like he's about to cry, probably 'cause he's scared of Hemingway. And what Hemingway could do to him. 

Joyce Posing for Nerds Weekly
Look at this pose here. Joyce is a lover, not a fighter! Sure, he grew up in the lower middle class, on the streets of Dublin. But that makes me think this guy is a scrapper. He runs away from trouble. And he went to freaking Jesuit schools! Shit- I probably could kick James Joyce's ass. 

Hemingway Posing for I Just Killed this Animal's Whole Family Monthly
Hemingway IS A BEAST. This guy went on freaking African safaris. This guy has been injured by shrapnel in World War 1. Ever heard of it? It's the war that out-sucked World War 2. What does James Joyce do when someone shoots at him, as they did during an drunken altercation in the early 1900s?


All Hemingway would have to do is bring a gun and Joyce would run off to freaking Amsterdam or something.

Hemingway likes hunting. Hemingway likes fishing. Hemingway likes baseball. Hemingway invented man.

Joyce struggled with money and got sick all the time. He pissed off his wife. He lived his last years in France. LAME. He does get points over Hemingway for not committing suicide, but, sadly, it's not enough.

Joyce Died As He Lived: Being Murdered  by Hemingway

Hemingway would murder Joyce. 

It would be embarrassing. It wouldn't even be funny. There would be blood everywhere. I don't understand why people pit them against each other, because it goes without question that Hemingway > Joyce.

Easy. Give me a hard one next time.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Pixar's Cars is as good as Pixar's Cars, Pixar's Cars...Cars

Google Analytics is the best thing. I've barely had a chance to blog these weeks, and now even less because I'm not near WiFi, but Google Anayltics keeps me up to date on the most important of blogging stats. You know what the stats are telling me?

People freaking love PIXAR'S CARS. My most viewed blog happens to be this blog, here, where I discuss the dangerous implications and questions PIXAR'S CARS bring up. I have 50 views on this single blog THIS WEEK.

The surprising thing is, there is little jump in my other blog views even with this astounding and rising number. My least popular blog right now: Regarding Fish Brains.

No one cares about Fish Brains! It is the worst blogs. Now, if it was Pixar's Fish Brains then maybe I'd be getting some views on this damn thing. But instead we get massive numbers with:

Pixar's Cars. I wonder. Do people that view my blog here get disappointed with my lack of Pixar's Cars blogging? Do they expect more on Pixar's Cars after googling Pixar's Cars? That all of my blogs would be on this subject? Like I'm some expert? Maybe.

But I'm not going to reach for the lowest common denominator  just to get more blog hits, no. I am not that person.

Did you know that Pixar's Cars is having a sequel called Pixar's Cars 2?

Would I write a blog simply to stimulate more hits by tying it to a popular movie?

I would not do this. And shame on you for thinking that I would do something like that.

...Pixar's Cars, Pixar's Cars 2, Disney, Pixar, Cars, Movie, Summer, Boobs, Sex, Violence, Sex, Drugs, Sex, Pixar's Cars