Friday, May 27, 2011

Literary Criticism Death Match: Ernest Hemingway vs. James Joyce


"A man can be destroyed but not defeated."


"...Yes when I put the rose in my hair like the Andalusian girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Moorish wall and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will yes." 

It goes without saying that both James Joyce and Ernest Hemingway are two of the literary greats. But which one is better? Many have wondered, and debated endlessly. But I think it's safe to safe that Ernest Hemingway would totally kick James Joyce's ass. 

Why do people even wonder this? Just look at the pictures. One-eyed Joyce looks like he's about to cry, probably 'cause he's scared of Hemingway. And what Hemingway could do to him. 

Joyce Posing for Nerds Weekly
Look at this pose here. Joyce is a lover, not a fighter! Sure, he grew up in the lower middle class, on the streets of Dublin. But that makes me think this guy is a scrapper. He runs away from trouble. And he went to freaking Jesuit schools! Shit- I probably could kick James Joyce's ass. 

Hemingway Posing for I Just Killed this Animal's Whole Family Monthly
Hemingway IS A BEAST. This guy went on freaking African safaris. This guy has been injured by shrapnel in World War 1. Ever heard of it? It's the war that out-sucked World War 2. What does James Joyce do when someone shoots at him, as they did during an drunken altercation in the early 1900s?

HE WENT ON A SELF IMPOSED EXILE.

All Hemingway would have to do is bring a gun and Joyce would run off to freaking Amsterdam or something.

Hemingway likes hunting. Hemingway likes fishing. Hemingway likes baseball. Hemingway invented man.

Joyce struggled with money and got sick all the time. He pissed off his wife. He lived his last years in France. LAME. He does get points over Hemingway for not committing suicide, but, sadly, it's not enough.

Joyce Died As He Lived: Being Murdered  by Hemingway

Hemingway would murder Joyce. 

It would be embarrassing. It wouldn't even be funny. There would be blood everywhere. I don't understand why people pit them against each other, because it goes without question that Hemingway > Joyce.

Easy. Give me a hard one next time.