Monday, July 25, 2011

Jeff and Allison (and me).

Tonight, Jeff and Allison had a romantic late night walk downtown, past the fountain and to the Lake.

With me.

They wanted to go to the Planetarium, because outside of the Planetarium you can have the best view of the city. It's beautiful at night. Even with the lights of the city, you can see stars. And that lake! Nothing can top that lake!

They could barely contain themselves. They skipped halfway there, the cool lake winds brushing against their skin and their hearts.

The only thing that could stop them?

A chance to profess their love under the golden light of the lamppost.

Oh, and I was there too.

On the Lake, they imagined the proper poses they could perform to share their burgeoning love. They tried many poses. Here, three are shown.

1. Distant Lovers

Together but apart, their love could transcend physical touch.

2. Fuck it, let's touch

Here, they say fuck it, and they touch. Notice his arms locked between hers.

3. Newlyweds

Here Jeff carries Allison over the threshold and to the future of loving bliss.

I was with them too.

There I am. On the right.

At the Planetarium, you couldn't beat that view. Pictures don't do it justice, the city lit up against the darkening sky.

This is the most romantic night of my life, Allison said to Jeff.

The sky isn't as beautiful as your face, Jeff said to Allison.

My shoulders hurt, Allison said to Jeff.

I will massage your shoulders, Jeff said to Allison.

And he did.

And I took a picture of him doing it.

That's me. There. Yup.

I believe in this relationship. We are totally going to make it.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Glow of the Firefly

Where I'm living now, fireflies are frequent in number, and not shy in their glowing.

Tell us your secrets, Firefly.

But why do they glow? 

If you must know, the firefly glows for a variety of reasons. 

They glow to attract prey. The firefly is a flying beetle. it will eat you if you are smaller then it. When they are larvae, or, as some call them, glow worms, they glow to discourage predators, the glow serving as a warning to the bugs that are bigger then it, since the larvae contain chemicals within themselves that are either toxic or just gross. 

And, of course, when they reach a certain age, you know what I mean, they glow to mate. Wouldn't you, if you could? Glow, that is.

They Could Rule Us All

There is a chemical reaction that takes place in the firefly's abdomen. It involves three ingredients: luciferin, oxygen, and, of course, luciferase. 

The key to attracting a mate, if you are a female firefly, and a classy one (not one from the east side), is all in the rate and wavelength of which the firefly flashes. Because the firefly is not one species, it is many, and not only that, they are many different species mingling with each other. There could be a lot of confusion. 

The rate of the glow shares with others what species it is, to procreate correctly. And not create some mutant two headed beetle monster. 

Glow Worms, Yo

This is an important point. 

The glowing is not random. It is not is without reason. Or even just one reason. Their glow is controlled. Their glow is a message. 

For me, their glow is peace. Comfort. I could sit and watch them for hours. There's a calm that I feel from seeing them. There is really nothing that amazes me more then seeing them flash before me. 

In short, I really fucking love these bugs. 

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Writing Tip - Do Not Underestimate Surprise, or: How I Will Start My Creative Writing Class

I'm analyzing what I find important in writing, because if I end up teaching it someday soon, I will need a point of view. This is something I will promote and discuss, maybe on the first day of Fiction 1.

I will be wearing a blazer with blue jeans and hipster glasses. I will be known as Professor Tim. This is what I will write on the board:


What do I mean by this? I mean surprise is fucking awesome. I mean that there is almost nothing more exhilarating for me as a reader then a story that takes me somewhere that I don't expect. That surprises me with it's unique language. Unexpected characters.

Surprise me, I'll tell my class.

Are you writing this down? Good. Now, that doesn't mean be cheap. Like make a character do something that doesn't make sense. That's not surprising. That's lame. But I'll get into that in tomorrow's class.

There's nothing that upsets me more from reading then a story that I can predict all the way through. You might have a story like that, class. But if you're writing a story that's already been written before, what's the point?

I'm talking about making me think I know what's going on then changing what's going on in the next scene. I'm talking about going in a direction that hasn't been gone before.

I know, right? But calm the fuck down. What I'm saying shouldn't freak you out, class. What I'm saying should FREE YOU (I will write that on the board). Don't write what you think is expected, what constitutes a story. BREAK FREE, PEOPLE.

How many stories on infidelity are there? How many stories are there regarding the mid-life crisis? How many stories do we need to read to know that heartbreak sucks? I'm not saying don't write about these stories, class, I'm saying if you do, MAKE IT DIFFERENT.

Don't waste the reader's time by writing something that they could have come up with themselves, I will say. And then I'll backtrack, because I don't want to come off as too hard. I'll pass out reading assignments re: the topic I have discussed. I'll make them read Aimee Bender. Michael Martone. Shane Jones. I will make them underline sentences and descriptions that they haven't seen before.


Goodness! CALM DOWN. What I mean is that everything that you put on paper is an experiment. Think of the words as chemical properties and the story as the formula. No one's going to be impressed if you figure out that H2O makes water. You should be trying to make the water bubble and turn purple. Get me?

All writing should be experimental because you're writing a story that's never been told before the way that you're going to tell it. Why? Because you're a unique person. No two people are exactly alike. The same idea goes for stories. You ever hear the idea that every story has been told already? Don't believe that. Don't you dare.

If you do believe that, what the heck are you doing here?

Class dismissed.

Tomorrow: Pop Quiz.