Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Suck Walkers

Slow and Steady does not win the race. It never has ever. Not once.

If you are a slow walker you are a Suck Walker. If you are a Suck Walker get out of my way! Suck Walkers are the people in the world who suck at walking. That is why they suck.

Groups Walking Suck Walking

If you walk in groups and take up all of the sidewalk, you are all Suck Walkers. If you walk slow in these groups because you are enjoying each others company you are a Suck Walker.

GET OUTTA MY WAY, OLD MAN!

If you are an old person you are almost automatically a Suck Walker, I'm sorry, it's just the way things are. You are old and slow and you suck at walking. Please don't get mad at me when I squeeze by you and your group of old sucky Suck Walkers. It's nothing personal. You just suck at this one, very important thing.

Look where you're going! You sucky preteen Suck Walkers!

Kids are almost always the suckiest of Suck Walkers. They are always in the way no matter what they do. Especially when they become young teens and can't control their bodies or their overgrown limbs. God, they suck. I will pass you, you teenage Suck Walkers.

Do Not Try This At Home

I'm not saying that you have to speed walk in order to not suck. That would be crazy.

...Never mind, I am saying that. But you don't have to move your arms around like that, you'll just look stupid.

It's a proven fact that if you walk faster you will get to your destination faster and if you get to your destination faster you will have more time to do what you need to do and if you have more time to do what you need to do you will not suck at what you need to do and then you will not suck, do you hear me, you will not suck! 

I think this chart proves my point.

Just move those legs. You can do it!
You Don't Have To Suck!

There you go, old people! That's the spirit! 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Cute Girl Wearing Sunglasses: Are You in Love with Me? Or Just Wearing Sunglasses?

Cute Girls Wearing Sunglasses are the worst Cute Girls. When they are on the train with me. When they are walking across the street.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT CUTE GIRLS WEARING SUNGLASSES?

You stare straight ahead and I have no idea where your eyes are! Are they on me or are they on:
Are we having eye contact, a moment on the train, or are you staring at:
Are you looking at me and thinking about the children we could have?
Preston and Molly, Future Kids
Or are you staring at the wall and thinking about:
Vanilla, Future Ice Cream
You make things so much harder and things are hard enough out here. We could be having a moment. Love at first sight. But I have no idea what your sight is on. Think about the children!
Preston and Molly, non-existent because you wore sunglasses
We will never have these children because you wore sunglasses and I had no idea if you were looking at me or not.
The Face of Cute Evil
You SHOULD feel bad Cute Girl Wearing Sunglasses. All you had to do was take them off for a second. Just a second. But no. And now we are lost forever.