Friday, December 23, 2011

Jellyfish are Awesome/Dogs are Terrible


Terrible, just Terrible

Jellyish have been around for almost 700 million years. Insane. They are 95 percent water, and don't even have what we would consider a brain. And they are still smarter then fucking dogs. Dogs (domesticated) have been around for about 15,000 years, pathetic. They smell bad and carry ticks and fleas. They will bark at you when they want food or when they want to "play". Usually the "play" will involve throwing a ball over and over again to them in a boring, unending manner. There's no denying it, dogs are fucking terrible. 

He wants to have sex with your legs

Dogs will try to have sex with your legs if you do not get them neutered. Getting them neutered involves the removal of their reproductive organs. Basically, the only way you can get a moment's rest is to live with the knowledge that you have castrated the stupid thing. What the hell is that choice! Jellyfish will not try to have sex with your legs. They can reproduce sexually or asexually. Some are hermaphrodites. The male jellyfish shoot sperm into the water, the female jellyfish shoot eggs into the water and in that water life is made. That is some freaky aquatic sex right there. 

Jellyfish are the closest things we have to aliens on Earth. They are repulsive and mystical. Strange and inviting. Jellyfish meander in the ocean, the more passive ones let the waves and currents choose their destinies. They are Aquatic Taoist Extraterrestrials and can have lifespans as short as a few hours and as long as forever. Forever? you ask. Forever, I says. Turritopsis nutricula, mother truckers. It can revert to a polyp (baby stage) after maturity, and live it's life anew. It can continue this process over and over again. These creatures are known as the Immortal Jellyfish because they are effectively, biologically, immortal. JELLYFISH CAN CHEAT DEATH.

That's right, FOREVER, SUCKERS

Dogs are man's best friend? Would you want a best friend that you knew for a fact was going to freaking die in ten years? DEPRESSING. Are you familiar with the breed, Dogue de Bordeaux?

5.29 years! That's terrible!

Well don't get too attached to them, they live a little over five years. Five years! It's a ticking time bomb of sadness, just waiting to traumatize your children! 

Sure, dogs can be loyal, sweet, affectionate, and that's just swell. But you also have to feed them, take them out for walks, wash them, take them to the vets, scold them (like they can even understand!), potty train them, clean after their poop, and sneeze at their terrible stupid dog hair that gets everywhere, especially on my new black jacket, little white hairs, that will never get out, Falco, they are there because you are a dog and you are terrible! 

Jellyfish are beautiful. They are works of art. Their tentacles look like brush strokes on an ultramarine canvas. They are dreams, and, okay, nightmares, come to life. 

Jellyfish live in the ocean and in the corners of your subconscious mind

Dogs are meaty. They are droopy and furry and their tongues drip saliva onto your new carpet. I'm not saying they are the worst (who's saying that - calm down!)! But they are certainly worse than people think, pretty much terrible. And jellyfish, neither made of jelly or fish, are impossibly awesome. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kim Jong-il is Dead: Ten Predictions on North Korea's Uncertain Future

Kim Jong-il is dead! What now?

1. There is a devastating power struggle between generals and successors. North Korea is bisected. East Korea and West Korea. Despite constant posturing, the two new nations appear to be at a standstill, until the disgruntled factions within East Korea cause that nation to be further bisected, East-north Korea and East-south Korea. As more disagreements arise, the bisection continues, until there are hundreds of rouge Korean nations, bisecting into smaller rouge Korean nations, ad infinitum.

2. It is revealed that Kim Jong-il has left a video will. In the video will he reveals that his favorite singer in all the world is Katy Perry. He especially loves "California Girls" and her big sexy-sex boobs. He pauses, then, almost as an afterthought, says that upon his death, he hereby gives North Korea to Katy Perry. Everyone is surprised, most of all, Katy Perry. She rules for thirty years and is feared as the most ruthless dictator the world has ever seen.

3. Confused and overwhelmed with the prospect of ruling twenty-four million starving people, Kim Jong-il's successor, Kim Jong-un, nukes South Korea arbitrarily. America retaliates and nukes North Korea. China retaliates and nukes America. England retaliates and nukes China. Russia retaliates and nukes England. Israel retaliates and nukes Russia. There are too many nuclear weapons out there, we will realize, or would have realized if everyone were not dead.

4. Kim Jong-il is not really dead. It's North Korea's version of April Fools and we all bought it. Kim Jong-il always loved the practical jokes. We find out one year later at a banquet in his honor, in the capital city of Pyongyang. Kim Jong-il pops out of a cake made in his effigy. Kim Jong-il licks the vanilla frosting from his lips and asks, "Did you miss me?" Of course by then, God help us, we have. 

5. A new golden age. Kim Jong-il's successor and son, Kim Jong-un, dissolves his regime immediately after taking power. He takes the first steps in unifying North and South, dismantles the insane nuclear programs, and opens up trade and commerce to enter the devastated country. He will be known forever as hero, Kim Jung-un, the Great, the Greatest.

Kim Jong-un...the Greatest?

Hmm. Probably not.

6. With their Great Dictator dead, North Korea decides to go for broke. They dissolve the military and nuclear programs, and instead use their rocket technology to send North Korean Astronauts to the Moon, which, in two years, they do. Immediately after they land, the North Korean Astronauts wearily declare that the Moon has been annexed by the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. The world is shocked, but no one wants to spend the money or exert the effort to send astronauts to the Moon to retrieve it from the rouge nation. Flummoxed, the world gives in and lets North Korea's claim go uncontested. Millions starve in North Korea, but at least they get to say that they rule the mother trucking' moon.

7. North Koreans mourn their Great Leader for so long that their tears form puddles, they form tiny ponds, then lakes, and, eventually, rivers. The North Koreans cry for so long that there is more water then is sustainable. They try to escape on fishing boats, but it is too difficult, their numbers are too vast and they are too weak from sickness and starvation, so they cry even more and they drown, twenty-four million people drown and die. 

8. Nothing will change. Everything will remain the same and it sucks, it really does.

9. Or: North Korea will change, but not for the better. Just more awfulness, except maybe more modern awfulness (finally!).

10. My mom tells me the truth: Kim Jung-il and North Korea are made up, like Santa Clause. North Korea was imagined to scare disobedient Korean children and apathetic capitalists. At first I don't believe it. But then it makes sense. North Korea is too absurd to exist. Kim Jong-il staying in power for seventeen years? Being responsible for millions of deaths? North Korea: with it's widespread (preventable) famine, disproportionaly massive military, labor camps, people eating grass to survive, people eating people to survive, people forced and tortured to stay in the country, no free speech whatsoever, with daily public and private executions, the brainwashing of a whole nation. It is purposely absurd, a horror story, not like Santa Clause, really, more like the Boogieman. Kim Jong-il, my mom tells me, is a fabrication, and they have killed him off, because he is no longer believable. We've grown beyond that, she tells me. And then I laugh because I'd rather laugh then believe North Korea exists. When the farce is revealed, America laughs too, and so too, the world.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Things That Are Cool Lately

Cool, that's what I am!

Haruki Murakami! People have been telling me to read this for years, and I've finally just finished "Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World" - loved the mix of techno noir, fantasy, and satire! Loved the mental fireworks this book gave me! Mental fireworks are cool! Murakami mixes elements of the east and west! That is cool!

400 Pages of Awesome Possum

Beans and Bagels! Every (twice published! what!) writer needs a place to read and compose his literary masterpieces! Beans and Bagels is that place for Tim. It's just off the Rockwell stop (off of the Brownline). It's never too crowded, has good bagels and drinks, and is hip but not so hip that I feel like I shouldn't be there! They even have a special bagel sandwich called, "Super Tim", and, though it is not named after me, I always say, "I'll have a Super Tim today because my name is Tim and I feel super." And this always excited them which is cool!

Ask for a "Super Tim"! Tell them "Tim" sent "you"!

Jellies! Sea life is the coolest! Just yesterday, I went to the Shedd Aquarium and saw the Jellyfish exhibit! It was the coolest! Below is one of the pictures I have taken! Jellies are so strange and mystical - something so alien about them - that I could watch these gross fuckers for hours! Gross is cool sometimes!

This is how I picture THE CENTER OF THE SUN to look like! SO COOL!

United Airlines! I feel like they are the coolest airline! You might think it is not cool to say an airline is cool, but I've been flying on airplanes for years (despite being terrified of them), and know that my flights on United have always been on time, with good service! Though if they play another Selena Gomez movie I MIGHT FLIP A SHIT

United Airlines. Brought to you by Selena Gomez! 

Wolverine and the X-Men! Simply the funnest, coolest Marvel Comic I've read in years! Reminds me of the New X-Men Grant Morrison days which reeked of cool. Jason Aaron and Chris Bachalo are a perfect combination for these zany, kinetic adventures. Both of them are here to remind us that comics and X-Men can be cool, which they are!

What is going on here? Read it to find out! It's cool - TRUST ME. 

Dreaming of my Thesis! I start my thesis next semester! The road that I have started over a year ago that has led me to here is winding to a fork that will lead to the end...of the road...and that is my thesis and is cool. Does that make sense? Shit, this might suck.

The Winding Road of my Thesis is the Road to...ah nevermind 

Blogging! Blogging is always cool! Trust me! Did you notice my domain name has changed? I bought it for ten dollars and now all you have to type to get here is: Instead of! Innovation is cool!


Teddy Bear, the Talking Porcupine! 

Just watch! Trust me! He's like freaking talking! Like a Ewok or something! So cool!