Friday, December 23, 2011

Jellyfish are Awesome/Dogs are Terrible


Terrible, just Terrible

Jellyish have been around for almost 700 million years. Insane. They are 95 percent water, and don't even have what we would consider a brain. And they are still smarter then fucking dogs. Dogs (domesticated) have been around for about 15,000 years, pathetic. They smell bad and carry ticks and fleas. They will bark at you when they want food or when they want to "play". Usually the "play" will involve throwing a ball over and over again to them in a boring, unending manner. There's no denying it, dogs are fucking terrible. 

He wants to have sex with your legs

Dogs will try to have sex with your legs if you do not get them neutered. Getting them neutered involves the removal of their reproductive organs. Basically, the only way you can get a moment's rest is to live with the knowledge that you have castrated the stupid thing. What the hell is that choice! Jellyfish will not try to have sex with your legs. They can reproduce sexually or asexually. Some are hermaphrodites. The male jellyfish shoot sperm into the water, the female jellyfish shoot eggs into the water and in that water life is made. That is some freaky aquatic sex right there. 

Jellyfish are the closest things we have to aliens on Earth. They are repulsive and mystical. Strange and inviting. Jellyfish meander in the ocean, the more passive ones let the waves and currents choose their destinies. They are Aquatic Taoist Extraterrestrials and can have lifespans as short as a few hours and as long as forever. Forever? you ask. Forever, I says. Turritopsis nutricula, mother truckers. It can revert to a polyp (baby stage) after maturity, and live it's life anew. It can continue this process over and over again. These creatures are known as the Immortal Jellyfish because they are effectively, biologically, immortal. JELLYFISH CAN CHEAT DEATH.

That's right, FOREVER, SUCKERS

Dogs are man's best friend? Would you want a best friend that you knew for a fact was going to freaking die in ten years? DEPRESSING. Are you familiar with the breed, Dogue de Bordeaux?

5.29 years! That's terrible!

Well don't get too attached to them, they live a little over five years. Five years! It's a ticking time bomb of sadness, just waiting to traumatize your children! 

Sure, dogs can be loyal, sweet, affectionate, and that's just swell. But you also have to feed them, take them out for walks, wash them, take them to the vets, scold them (like they can even understand!), potty train them, clean after their poop, and sneeze at their terrible stupid dog hair that gets everywhere, especially on my new black jacket, little white hairs, that will never get out, Falco, they are there because you are a dog and you are terrible! 

Jellyfish are beautiful. They are works of art. Their tentacles look like brush strokes on an ultramarine canvas. They are dreams, and, okay, nightmares, come to life. 

Jellyfish live in the ocean and in the corners of your subconscious mind

Dogs are meaty. They are droopy and furry and their tongues drip saliva onto your new carpet. I'm not saying they are the worst (who's saying that - calm down!)! But they are certainly worse than people think, pretty much terrible. And jellyfish, neither made of jelly or fish, are impossibly awesome. 

1 comment:

  1. I would choose dogs over sea creatures because they're much cuter. I could even bring them to the dog boarding in Long Island and we'll both have a good time.