Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kim Jong-il is Dead: Ten Predictions on North Korea's Uncertain Future

Kim Jong-il is dead! What now?

1. There is a devastating power struggle between generals and successors. North Korea is bisected. East Korea and West Korea. Despite constant posturing, the two new nations appear to be at a standstill, until the disgruntled factions within East Korea cause that nation to be further bisected, East-north Korea and East-south Korea. As more disagreements arise, the bisection continues, until there are hundreds of rouge Korean nations, bisecting into smaller rouge Korean nations, ad infinitum.

2. It is revealed that Kim Jong-il has left a video will. In the video will he reveals that his favorite singer in all the world is Katy Perry. He especially loves "California Girls" and her big sexy-sex boobs. He pauses, then, almost as an afterthought, says that upon his death, he hereby gives North Korea to Katy Perry. Everyone is surprised, most of all, Katy Perry. She rules for thirty years and is feared as the most ruthless dictator the world has ever seen.

3. Confused and overwhelmed with the prospect of ruling twenty-four million starving people, Kim Jong-il's successor, Kim Jong-un, nukes South Korea arbitrarily. America retaliates and nukes North Korea. China retaliates and nukes America. England retaliates and nukes China. Russia retaliates and nukes England. Israel retaliates and nukes Russia. There are too many nuclear weapons out there, we will realize, or would have realized if everyone were not dead.

4. Kim Jong-il is not really dead. It's North Korea's version of April Fools and we all bought it. Kim Jong-il always loved the practical jokes. We find out one year later at a banquet in his honor, in the capital city of Pyongyang. Kim Jong-il pops out of a cake made in his effigy. Kim Jong-il licks the vanilla frosting from his lips and asks, "Did you miss me?" Of course by then, God help us, we have. 

5. A new golden age. Kim Jong-il's successor and son, Kim Jong-un, dissolves his regime immediately after taking power. He takes the first steps in unifying North and South, dismantles the insane nuclear programs, and opens up trade and commerce to enter the devastated country. He will be known forever as hero, Kim Jung-un, the Great, the Greatest.

Kim Jong-un...the Greatest?

Hmm. Probably not.

6. With their Great Dictator dead, North Korea decides to go for broke. They dissolve the military and nuclear programs, and instead use their rocket technology to send North Korean Astronauts to the Moon, which, in two years, they do. Immediately after they land, the North Korean Astronauts wearily declare that the Moon has been annexed by the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. The world is shocked, but no one wants to spend the money or exert the effort to send astronauts to the Moon to retrieve it from the rouge nation. Flummoxed, the world gives in and lets North Korea's claim go uncontested. Millions starve in North Korea, but at least they get to say that they rule the mother trucking' moon.

7. North Koreans mourn their Great Leader for so long that their tears form puddles, they form tiny ponds, then lakes, and, eventually, rivers. The North Koreans cry for so long that there is more water then is sustainable. They try to escape on fishing boats, but it is too difficult, their numbers are too vast and they are too weak from sickness and starvation, so they cry even more and they drown, twenty-four million people drown and die. 

8. Nothing will change. Everything will remain the same and it sucks, it really does.

9. Or: North Korea will change, but not for the better. Just more awfulness, except maybe more modern awfulness (finally!).

10. My mom tells me the truth: Kim Jung-il and North Korea are made up, like Santa Clause. North Korea was imagined to scare disobedient Korean children and apathetic capitalists. At first I don't believe it. But then it makes sense. North Korea is too absurd to exist. Kim Jong-il staying in power for seventeen years? Being responsible for millions of deaths? North Korea: with it's widespread (preventable) famine, disproportionaly massive military, labor camps, people eating grass to survive, people eating people to survive, people forced and tortured to stay in the country, no free speech whatsoever, with daily public and private executions, the brainwashing of a whole nation. It is purposely absurd, a horror story, not like Santa Clause, really, more like the Boogieman. Kim Jong-il, my mom tells me, is a fabrication, and they have killed him off, because he is no longer believable. We've grown beyond that, she tells me. And then I laugh because I'd rather laugh then believe North Korea exists. When the farce is revealed, America laughs too, and so too, the world.

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