Thursday, March 22, 2012

When You're Single...

Being single is great! Right? Right? can always be strangely available to hang out with any friend in any situation on any day! You don't have to even let them finish their sentence when they ask - just say, "Yes, I will do that with you, friend!" can watch a movie in the movie theater by yourself and not have someone next to you breathing on your neck and sharing popcorn with you! Gross! don't have to pretend to like cats or dogs anymore! Or babies! Or children! Or other people, in general! You can just hate everything again! 

I can finally say this. Babies: you are terrible! can save all that money you would have spent on your significant other! You could buy like a dog if you didn't hate dogs! don't have to worry about being fit! You can eat hot-dogs and Pringles and put Pringles in your hot-dog or make a hot-dog bun out of Pringles or just eat a mouth full of Pringles or whatever, etc.! 

Eat all the Pringles you want! Who's gonna stop you?! can have some 'me' time and love yourself again! IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! can go to like a bar or something and no one will even care or get mad that you haven't called or texted it's like no one even cares that you're alone in a bar drinking alone! the way, does anyone wanna have a drink with me sometime? I can. Whenever you want. 

I can meet you any time. Just call me and give me like 30 minutes, friend! can go to the park! By yourself! With all the happy couples! On second thought don't go outside to the park, stay in bed! 

...yeah! You can stay in bed as long as you want! Yes! can like, I don't - go to the library more? 

I don't know what people do anymore! can flirt with anyone you want! BUT YOU WON'T! can get a shiver down your spine with any human contact you encounter: someone accidentally bumping into you on the bus, a cashier tapping your palm whilst placing change into your hand, or when you 'accidentally' bump into someone on the bus (I say 'accidentally' because it is not really an accident, you would have done it on purpose, because you forgot what another human body feels like!)! 

...still waiting for that call! Drinks! Any time! can write all day long and not have to kiss anyone! can write blogs about being single! When you're not single you're not writing blogs about being single, you dummy, you're probably kissing someone! 

Friday, March 9, 2012

Questions I had about Sex Immediately After Learning about Sex and shown diagrams during Sex Education

Wait, wait, wait, what?

Where am I supposed to put this? I put this into that? And then what am I supposed to do while my this is in that? 

Someday, when you really love a person...

Ew. What? Until what? And I have to put that thing on this and then put this into that until this excretes...that other thing. much comes out? There are MILLIONS of them? 

...are they alive?

Now, now listen. How am I even supposed to fit this into that? I didn't even know that existed for...this. 

And won't it hurt? I can't imagine putting this into that and it not hurting for both parties.

Why are the lions wrestling?!

What if I do it wrong? I don't know, what if I put this in the wrong that? It could happen. Could I break this? Could I break that? What if that thing falls off while this is in that? WHAT IF THIS GETS STUCK IN THAT! What if I do it so much that that other thing keeps coming out and it won't stop, millions of them, gross, hungry, alive, coming out of this...

Why'd I even have to know this? Not this, you know, this whole thing. It. I didn't have to know right now. And now, I'll probably always think about it. How can I not? This is the worst.

I'm not going to do it. 

I'll want to? Yeah right. 

Sunday, March 4, 2012

What to do at AWP

This is your chance! Don't blow it!
Skip breakfast. Get a large coffee with extra sugar, you'll need it! Go to the Bookfair when it opens at 8:30. That is when they will least suspect you! Say, "Hello, how do you do?" and then shake their hands and pick up one of their books. Ask what the book is about. Don't listen, it'll only distract you. Then say, "I've written a book like this book," and then hand them your manuscript!

Only go to panels with famous authors. No matter what the panel is about, ask a question during the Q and A. Stand when you ask the question so they'll know you. Smile and use hand movements. The question should be longer than any possible answer. The question should, itself, be an answer. After your question, nod, but don't listen to what the authors say. Remain standing so people forget that you are not in the panel. When the panel ends, shake the famous author's hands, say you love their work, and then hand them all your manuscript!

They all want to read your manuscript because it's wonderful!
Go to book signings. Even though you have just bought the book and have never read the author, go to the author and say, "I really love your work," or "I love your lyrical prose," or "You're my favorite of the authors." Give them your name and ask them to write, "To My Biggest Fan," next to that name. Then hand them your manuscript!

Picture this: All of these tables selling your bestseller!
Skip lunch. Skip water. Skip that panel on craft that your lesser writer friends told you to go to! Go to Kinkos and make more copies of your manuscript, duh. Staple your business card onto the manuscript. Make sure that all of the business cards read: "Writer" instead of "Waiter". Sometimes they fuck up.

Hand your manuscript to publishers. Hand your manuscript to agents. Hand your manuscript to that cute girl to impress her. Hand your manuscript to the man in the suit. Hand your manuscript to the man with the beard. Hand your manuscript to professors, current or former. Hand your manuscript to Dinty Moore.

You: "Dinty Moore, will you read my manuscript?"  Dinty Moore: "Yes!"
Follow Dinty Moore to the bookfair. Follow Dinty Moore to the bathroom. Follow Dinty Moore to his car. Wherever Dinty Moore goes, follow him. You are Dinty Moore's shadow. His reflection. Remember: You are one with Dinty Moore. Remember: Inside yourself, there is a Dinty Moore waiting to bloom.

Go to Dance Party Alcohol Readings because if famous authors are drinking alcohol they will be less resistant to taking your manuscript when you hand it to them.

If you want to be a famous author you have to know how to dance, you dummy!
Dance with a famous author. Say, "I really like your work," or "I really like how you read," or "I really like how you dance." Tell them that you want to be their friend! When they agree, do not hand them your manuscript. Get their contact info first, then hand them your manuscript.

Vomit in a ditch. Wander home. Do not eat. Do not sleep. Definitely do not read. Lie in your bed, with your phone next to your ear. Wait for it. The call. It will change your life. Think about your response. Think about the pause you'll give, feigning surprise, when you hear the voice in the darkness say, "I just read your manuscript. It has moved me to tears."