Thursday, March 22, 2012

When You're Single...

Being single is great! Right? Right? can always be strangely available to hang out with any friend in any situation on any day! You don't have to even let them finish their sentence when they ask - just say, "Yes, I will do that with you, friend!" can watch a movie in the movie theater by yourself and not have someone next to you breathing on your neck and sharing popcorn with you! Gross! don't have to pretend to like cats or dogs anymore! Or babies! Or children! Or other people, in general! You can just hate everything again! 

I can finally say this. Babies: you are terrible! can save all that money you would have spent on your significant other! You could buy like a dog if you didn't hate dogs! don't have to worry about being fit! You can eat hot-dogs and Pringles and put Pringles in your hot-dog or make a hot-dog bun out of Pringles or just eat a mouth full of Pringles or whatever, etc.! 

Eat all the Pringles you want! Who's gonna stop you?! can have some 'me' time and love yourself again! IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! can go to like a bar or something and no one will even care or get mad that you haven't called or texted it's like no one even cares that you're alone in a bar drinking alone! the way, does anyone wanna have a drink with me sometime? I can. Whenever you want. 

I can meet you any time. Just call me and give me like 30 minutes, friend! can go to the park! By yourself! With all the happy couples! On second thought don't go outside to the park, stay in bed! 

...yeah! You can stay in bed as long as you want! Yes! can like, I don't - go to the library more? 

I don't know what people do anymore! can flirt with anyone you want! BUT YOU WON'T! can get a shiver down your spine with any human contact you encounter: someone accidentally bumping into you on the bus, a cashier tapping your palm whilst placing change into your hand, or when you 'accidentally' bump into someone on the bus (I say 'accidentally' because it is not really an accident, you would have done it on purpose, because you forgot what another human body feels like!)! 

...still waiting for that call! Drinks! Any time! can write all day long and not have to kiss anyone! can write blogs about being single! When you're not single you're not writing blogs about being single, you dummy, you're probably kissing someone! 

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