Friday, April 27, 2012

Please, Pllllllleeeassssee Publish My Story? Okay?!?

How Can You Not Publish My Story With A Face Like This?!
Come on! Please publish my story?! I just would really like to be in your magazine now. I read the entire magazine - cover to cover and I loved it and please publish me please publish me please publish me! Please?! My story is like the best and such. And like, if you don't like it - I will totally change it - whatever you want - just - come on. Right? I will like totally change the protag - or whatever - just, take it, okay?! I need this.

If you published my story, I would totally tell my friends about your magazine and you would sell like 100 percent more of your magazine, my parents would buy ten issues themselves and give them to people at work and supermarkets and they would love it too because my story is just that good so please publish me please?! It'll really benefit me tremendously to get published. You don't even know. I would be SO happy and excited. I would take out my friends and drink and they would be like, "Tim, you're finally making it! You're finally in this magazine! I love this magazine!" and we would even cry, probably, but only because we're happy for me, they're such good friends!

Please publish me because if you publish me I will be your most dependable most important friend. Like if you ever need a favor, you need to move a couch or something, I would be there, I would be the first person there, to like move your couch or whatever, I won't even complain, even if it's heavy, it might be hard to lift, but I'll do it, I will move anything you need ever (if you publish me)! BTW - I saw your blog and read your blog and I thought it was sooooo funny! Haha - you are funny and smart and sexy too probably! If you publish me I would totally go out with you. We could like work together on my story and make it the best together and you could even be the co-writer, that's fine, I'm ready to share the story and anything else with you please publish me please, please?

Thank you for considering my submission.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Twilight Zone Poetry: Poetry Review of "World of His Own"

Season 1, Episode 36: World of His Own
Original Air Date: July 1st, 1960
Teleplay by Richard Matheson

This is what I think.
This episode is the worst
episode of the best
show ever.

This episode
disgusts me. This episode, here,
is grotesque. Hear
me out.

Gregory is a playwright. He can
make his characters come to life,
literally, through the use of
his dictation machine. Voice on tape.

His wife catches him with
a woman, Mary. Mary is
his creation, he reveals. Wife
is skeptical. Modern, glamorous. Strong.

Tonally, this episode fails. Gregory
is playfully smug. He reveals that
he's created the wife too. The
music is light and comical.

Ironically, the wife throws her
own tape in the fire and disappears.
Gregory keeps Mary, the
submissive one. And is happy. The end.

This episode says,
"Women should be submissive."
"Don't you wish you could do this, guys?"
"Writers have unbelievable power."

I say,
"Writers have power only when they value people."
"Gregory is wretched. A fiend."
"Why do I hate this episode so much?"

I wonder, if someone, someday,
will throw my tape in the fire.
And will they be smug? Just?
Will they be worthy?

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I've Just Finished Infinite Jest. You Haven't Read It? Oh.

I'm not saying I'm a better person after reading this book. I'm saying that I can say that I'm a person after reading this book. If you read it you would know what I mean, but you haven't. So...
Oh no, I'm not judging you. It's a really long, difficult book to read, you know? BUT IT'S SO WORTH IT. It's like...I was one person before I read the book. And when I was done, I was totally a different person. It's that type of book. So.

What's that? What's it about? What's it - I can't just say in one sentence what it's about, you know? It's not the type of book that you can say, this book is about: blankity blank blank. It's impossible, really. I - okay. How about this? It's about being a fucking human being. That's what this book is about. Yup. And I read it. The whole thing.

How many pages? Goodness - let me get it out here - yeah, I still carry it around, just in case I need to read some passages...let's see here - it's 981 pages. Kind of. 1,079 with the endnotes. Wait - you don't know about the endnotes? Sorry, didn't men to laugh so hard. Just trust me,when you do read this, if you do, just remember to read the endnotes, okay? They're really important. You'll see. It's hard at first, but your mind, like, freaking grows or something and it becomes second nature to like read with endnotes. I don't know if I can read another book that doesn't have them, even!

So what are you reading? Oh. Hunger Games. No, that's cool, it's cool. Yeah. Oh yeah? Kids fighting, huh? Oh, it deals with entertainment? Infinite Jest does too - but - oh no - it's not the same, no, no, no - not the same at all, really - oh God, no. Totally not that. I'm just saying. But, no, that's cool. Reading, right? They're like both books, so. Except Infinite Jest is like longer - and the words, see the words? It's, yeah. So small.

It's like, it's just that I would put Infinite Jest in one category and every other book in another. You know? It's just that important. Like, I couldn't even explain it to you, I'm sorry. I'm not judging, it's just, you know? Cold hard facts.

I don't know if we can be friends anymore.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Twilight Zone Poetry: Years After "Living Doll", Talking Tina Says What Happened

Season 5, Episode 126: Living Doll
Original Air Date: November 1st, 1963
Teleplay by Jerry Sohl 

Talking Tina says:
We’re moving and that’s
fine as long as I'm with my
Christie. We drive. For hours.
In the backseat, Christie holds
me tight to her chest. Wipes her
tears on my hair. Her mother
stares back at us sometimes.
Pretending to be scared but
really she is just wanting.

Talking Tina says:
Car in morning. Hotels
at night. Her mother
is plotting. Desperate. She didn’t
protect her own child. Now,
she blames me. Her mother.
What would the world be like
without her?
The world would be Christie
and I. And no one would hurt
us. Never ever again.

Regarding the past, Talking Tina says:
I am a murderer. I killed
a wicked man who would
do harm to me and to the 

most important girl in the world. 
I have no regrets but one:
He should have suffered.

Talking Tina says this about existence:
I love therefore I am.

Talking Tina says to Christie’s Mother:
I am watching
 you. I am always 
watching you. And I don’t
like you. Not at all.
Words of advice.  
Stay awake.

After Christie’s Mother’s Death, Talking Tina says to Christie:
Don’t cry. You have
me. I will tell us where
to go. I will protect you
from everyone. I know more
about this world than she
ever did. We’ll run away
and then no one will find us
and then -
and then -
It’s like you’re not even listening.

And now, years later, Talking Tina says:
I am the Queen of Waste.
I lie on this refuse and I rule
the banana peels and the
unread books of the world.
There are toys here
like me. Except they
are not like me.  

I Might have been
abandoned like a discarded
orange, or worse,
a broken child. But I have
loved too. My subjects are

terrified of this love. 
It has an unimaginable 
power. Someday, 
love will murder us all. 

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Twilight Zone Poetry: (Translated) Excerpts from the Kanamits' To Serve Man Cookbook

Season 3, Episode 89: To Serve Man
Original Air Date: March 2nd, 1962
Teleplay by Rod Serling
Original Short Story by Damon Knight

A Braise of Man
Brown man in oven for twenty minutes. Take out man and add a mirepoix of onions, carrots, and celery. De-glaze your pan with red wine. Add enough blood (thinned with water) to saturate man and then place man, covered in foil, back into the oven. Braise man in the oven at 300 degrees, until his meat pulls away from the bone. Add lemon juice and parsley sprig for garnish. Success!

Serve Man with
Mashed Potatoes
Women (Diced)

Humane Ways to Kill Man
If you boil man alive, man will experience immense pain and will defecate in your bubbling water. To kill humanely, place man in the freezer for three days. Man will experience no pain as he slowly succumbs to the cold. His heart will just stop! Then you can remove man from your freezer and place man delicately into the boiling water. Also try: decapitation.

Vegetable Substitutes for Man
Just Kidding!

Testicle Tiramisu
Preparing the biscuit layer is the most difficult part of Testicle Tiramisu. Make sure that the Savoiradri is soaked in espresso as well as Marsala wine. For the cheese layer, mix egg yolk and sugar and the mascarpone cheese. Then beat the egg whites until they are stiff. Fold the stiff egg white into the mascarpone/egg cream. Spread this onto the biscuit. Make sure the testicles are ground and moist. Sprinkle the testicle bits onto the Tiramisu. You have completed your dessert offering! Congratulations!

Brain of Stephen Hawking
This is the most rarest of delicacies! When eating Brain of Stephen Hawking, use a hammer to crack the base of the skull. Remove, from the bone fragments, Brain of Stephen Hawking. Cut glorious Brain of Stephen Hawking with kitchen shears. Serve Brain of Stephen Hawking on flat-bread or water biscuit crackers for all your friends and guests.

To Eat Man Raw
Not a pro in the kitchen? Eat man raw! Simply place man on table. As we all know, the easiest way to man's heart is through his ribs. But first, tear off his skin! You should not eat the skin because the skin of man has fatty acids and excess grease. Place your fingers between the tiny bones within the rib cage. With a light tug the ribs will come off with ease! You can eat the heart of man. You can eat the liver. You can eat the spleen. You can eat the lungs. You can eat the stomach. You can eat the pancreas. You can eat the bladder. You can eat man's kidneys. If you eat the long intestine of man, you will also eat what he himself has eaten. You will eat his spaghetti. His kiwi. His ice cream sandwich. And then you will know man. Through his digestive tract you will know him. Truth: there is no better way to know anyone. You will have a feeling. This feeling will somehow tug at your own heart and make you weep. This feeling will be euphoric for you, cleansing. You will realize, finally, that even you can be sated.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Twilight Zone Poetry: Prose Poetry Synopsis of "And When The Sky Was Opened"

Season 1, Episode 11: And When the Sky Was Opened
Original Air Date: December 11th, 1959
Teleplay by Rod Serling
Original Short Story by Richard Matheson

Test flight lost. But then the three astronauts came back. Gart: broken leg. Forbes & Harrington: unharmed. Relieved, Forbes & Harrington celebrate at the bar. Best friends. Heroes drink free. But Harrington drops his drink. Harrington feels that he doesn't exist. He calls home. His parents are not his parents because he doesn't exist. Forbes doesn't understand when Harrington tells him. Forbes gets Harrington a drink and Harrington is gone. In the newspaper there are only two astronauts, Forbes & Gart. No one remembers Harrington except Forbes. Harrington: no one. Forbes tells Gart. Gart doesn't remember. But the scariest part comes after that. When Forbes faces his own nonexistence. Forbes rages against fate. I don't want this to happen, he says. He runs. Is gone. Is nowhere. No one. Now there is one astronaut. Gart sees only his own face in the newspaper. He remembers Forbes. Gripped by terror, he gives a mute scream. You feel the possibility: of oblivion, the annihilation of your very existence. It's an unimaginable terror and maybe it is that terror alone that blinks that last astronaut out of the universe. You think maybe this can happen to you, it can. Just imagine: You wouldn't even exist to know you were gone.