Thursday, April 5, 2012

Twilight Zone Poetry: (Translated) Excerpts from the Kanamits' To Serve Man Cookbook

Season 3, Episode 89: To Serve Man
Original Air Date: March 2nd, 1962
Teleplay by Rod Serling
Original Short Story by Damon Knight

A Braise of Man
Brown man in oven for twenty minutes. Take out man and add a mirepoix of onions, carrots, and celery. De-glaze your pan with red wine. Add enough blood (thinned with water) to saturate man and then place man, covered in foil, back into the oven. Braise man in the oven at 300 degrees, until his meat pulls away from the bone. Add lemon juice and parsley sprig for garnish. Success!

Serve Man with
Mashed Potatoes
Women (Diced)

Humane Ways to Kill Man
If you boil man alive, man will experience immense pain and will defecate in your bubbling water. To kill humanely, place man in the freezer for three days. Man will experience no pain as he slowly succumbs to the cold. His heart will just stop! Then you can remove man from your freezer and place man delicately into the boiling water. Also try: decapitation.

Vegetable Substitutes for Man
Just Kidding!

Testicle Tiramisu
Preparing the biscuit layer is the most difficult part of Testicle Tiramisu. Make sure that the Savoiradri is soaked in espresso as well as Marsala wine. For the cheese layer, mix egg yolk and sugar and the mascarpone cheese. Then beat the egg whites until they are stiff. Fold the stiff egg white into the mascarpone/egg cream. Spread this onto the biscuit. Make sure the testicles are ground and moist. Sprinkle the testicle bits onto the Tiramisu. You have completed your dessert offering! Congratulations!

Brain of Stephen Hawking
This is the most rarest of delicacies! When eating Brain of Stephen Hawking, use a hammer to crack the base of the skull. Remove, from the bone fragments, Brain of Stephen Hawking. Cut glorious Brain of Stephen Hawking with kitchen shears. Serve Brain of Stephen Hawking on flat-bread or water biscuit crackers for all your friends and guests.

To Eat Man Raw
Not a pro in the kitchen? Eat man raw! Simply place man on table. As we all know, the easiest way to man's heart is through his ribs. But first, tear off his skin! You should not eat the skin because the skin of man has fatty acids and excess grease. Place your fingers between the tiny bones within the rib cage. With a light tug the ribs will come off with ease! You can eat the heart of man. You can eat the liver. You can eat the spleen. You can eat the lungs. You can eat the stomach. You can eat the pancreas. You can eat the bladder. You can eat man's kidneys. If you eat the long intestine of man, you will also eat what he himself has eaten. You will eat his spaghetti. His kiwi. His ice cream sandwich. And then you will know man. Through his digestive tract you will know him. Truth: there is no better way to know anyone. You will have a feeling. This feeling will somehow tug at your own heart and make you weep. This feeling will be euphoric for you, cleansing. You will realize, finally, that even you can be sated.

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