Friday, June 22, 2012

The Friendship Zones

As we all know, friendship is a very delicate thing! And it takes time to develop! Here is a comprehensive and scientifically designed list on friendship development, that I have called The Friendship Zones!

Not Friends Zone

"I wish my not friend was my friend already!"
This is the saddest part of being friends, when you are not friends! You will want to be friends with the not friend, but they either don't know you exist, or, at this point, they think you are weird because you want to be friends with them so bad!

To get out of this zone: Keep trying! The not friend will have to say yes to hang out eventually! And when they do, they will realize how wonderful you are and they will be your friend!

Casual Friends Zone 

"Hi, Casual Friend! Did you you like that good movie? Yeah, me neither!"
So you've hung out once or twice, and you've gotten coffee and talked about your favorite movies. You are now Casual Friends! That means a 'like' every once in a while on Facebook and a couple text messages and inside jokes. It's a no-pressure, no commitment friendship, and it's fine to begin with, but who wants to stay like that forever?

To get out of this zone: Invite the casual friend to a small house party with your friend friends. The casual friend will have to slowly acclimate themselves to the group because they don't have their own friend friends there! They might even latch onto YOU because they don't know who else to talk to! Before they know it, they are dependent on you and they will no longer be casual friends!

Friend Friend Zone

"Hey, Brad Pitt! Are you my friend friend?" "Of course, friend!"
A friend friend is a friend that you see at least three times a week! You text each other like five times a day and you guys always are the first to comment on each other's Facebook statuses. Your inside jokes are so inside that you forgot where they started from - people are jealous of you because you two seem to have your own language! Everything here is wonderful!

To get out of this zone: Why would you want to get out of this zone? I'll tell you why! Because it's a sham! Because you still haven't seen the bad sides of each other yet! You haven't even gotten into a fight yet or seen each other upset! You're not even calling each other when you have a bad day because you don't want them to think you're weird! SO, when you are friend friends for about, say, three months, manufacture a crisis and see how they react! Will they comfort you? Will they check up on you? Will they wake up at two in the morning after your frantic call and meet you in an empty part of the city and take you home without asking questions? If so, you have successfully left the friend friend zone!

Kinda Not Friends Friend Zone 

"Ughd. They were my friend but now I don't want them to see me because they're weird!"
This zone is tough, but entirely necessary to the development of your friendship. After you manufacture a crises your friend will be undoubtedly closer to you, but they will also be a little weirded out and think you are full of drama! They will not call you as much, nor will they post 'likes' on your Facebook. You will feel as if you are kinda not friends friends.

To get out of this zone: Time will heal all wounds! After you give a tearful apology (make sure there are tears), you two will feel even closer, not just like friends anymore, almost like family!

Family Friend Zone

"We've been friends for sixty years, isn't that right, friend? Or should I say...brother?"
This is the best zone to be in! You are so close that you are like family! You see each other five times a day at least and post on each others' Facebook pages so much that no one else even bothers anymore! You hug and open up about feelings and even cry sometimes! It's wonderful! You'll make your lame casual friends and friend friends jealous of the two of you because you will constantly talk about how awesome your family friend is! When you have kids someday, you will refer to your family friend as family so much that your children will really think you're related! And then when you are old, you can be all nostalgic and funny with each other and you are just the best friends forever!

To get out of this zone: DO EVERYTHING POSSIBLE NOT TO GET OUT OF THIS ZONE.

Psycho Sexual Friend Zone

If your friend is Christian Bale, you might be a psycho sexual friend.
Why did you get out of the Family Friend Zone?! Now you have crossed the line into the Psycho Sexual Friend Zone, you weirdo! You two have spent so much time together that you feel lost when you are apart. You text each other five times AN HOUR. At least! When you dream, you dream about you and your friend in psycho sexual situations, usually involving murder and dismemberment. You compare your friend to not just your other friends, but your family members and lovers. You manufacture a crises daily, because at this point, the emotional kick you get with your psycho sexual friend makes you feel alive! Your Facebook pages are just gross.

To get out of this zone: You will probably be separated in prison, after you committed your psycho sexually motivated crime together. This is the only way out of the psycho sexual friend zone.

There you have it! Now, you can make friends with ease! Have fun and friend safely!