Thursday, August 16, 2012

Are You Being Rude? Probably.

Being courteous is the most important thing. In the world.

If you are slow in the city, you are rude.

If you talk on a cell phone on the train or on the bus or in the bathroom, you are rude.

If you are with your family of three or more people on the sidewalk, and you are walking slow, and not only that, you are walking side by side, taking up the sidewalk and making it impossible for anyone to squeeze by, you are rude, and so is your whole family.

You see cute? I see exceptionally rude! Stop blocking the sidewalk, family!

You are rude if you are at a restaurant with friends and you leave to go to the restroom without saying, "I'm going to the restroom."

In conversation, if you do not apologize after interrupting someone, even if it was an accident, you are rude.

You should have your train or bus pass ready to swipe or insert immediately, if you do not you are rude.

If you take time to pay with exact change you are rude.

If you write a check at a supermarket you are rude.

Writing a check?! Go back to 1997, please!

Also: At that supermarket, if you don't help the cashier bag your groceries you are rude.

If you sit next to someone on the train or bus and eye contact is shared, you are rude if you try to talk to them. But it is also rude not to acknowledge them. The correct action is to smile politely with your lips (show absolutely no teeth), and to give a brief half-nod.

If you know a lot about a subject you must still act unsure by prefacing your knowledge with polite phrases like: "I believe" or "I'm not entirely sure but" or "I think I've heard", because arrogance is rude.

If you are not sure that you are somehow being rude you should apologize anyway because you probably are being rude.

On a first date at a restaurant, it is rude to ask your date to split the bill. Conversely, it is rude for your date not to offer to split the bill. To be safe, do not go on dates. Going on dates is inherently rude.

After a meal at a restaurant, when the waiter asks, "Save any room for dessert?" it is rude to simply answer, "No." You have to look sheepishly at your friends or family and chuckle, saying, "Oh no, I am entirely stuffed." If you order a dessert, you are rude.

On the same note, any question, no matter how ridiculous, should never be answered with a quick "yes" or "no". Some thought should be feigned. You can glance up at the sky to pretend you are thinking, or say, "um" and then "I believe" before answering the moronic question as courteously as you can.

Hmm...I'm just gonna rub my chin and look at the sky for five seconds before I answer your ridiculously stupid question and not embarrass you because I'm polite, not rude!

If you are a performing artist or old, you are rude.

If you are at your friend's small apartment and you absolutely have to "relieve" yourself, you should run the water in the bathroom sink to mask any sounds you could possibly make while relieving yourself because it is rude to relieve yourself.

In regards to waiting in a line at any stores, if you confuse that line by loitering near the line but not really being in the line, you are jeopardizing the integrity of the whole line system, and that is rude.

If you arrive late, you are rude. But you are also rude if you arrive early. Being exactly on time can appear strangely rigid (and therefor rude), so you should just cancel any outing to prevent a disastrous misunderstanding from taking place. Just tell your friend an emergency came up, and then apologize, always apologize.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Yahoo Sports Columnist Chris Chase Is Totally Right, United States Is Leading In 'Real' Medals! Also: F*ck China! Right? USA! USA!

The Olympics! Brought to you by Euro Socialists and Communists!
Did you read the latest Chris Chase article yet?! He is totally right! China is not at all leading countries in medals. I mean, technically, yes, they have the most medals, okay? like 73 to America's 70, but they totally don't have the REAL medals, the ones that REALLY matter! America would completely annihilate China if the Euro-slime Olympic committees had any real decency!

If you haven't read this article already (and what's wrong with you? why haven't you read it!), Chris Chase correctly posits that we, Americans, would be leading in medals if you counted the correct sports, i.e: where winners are determined on the field of play and not by judges!  Like basketball! Not those shit "sports" like gymnastics, diving, trampoline, or judo (judo - psh, of course China would gobble up that f*cking medal, right?).

Flipping in the air three, four times? Psh. Add a defensive lineman in the mix and maybe I'll call it a sport!
So anyway, when you calculate this way, the correct way, America is totally winning in the medals! By the score of 59 to China's pitiful 53! Yes! We're number one! We're number one!

If there is anything that Chris Chase is not doing right it's that he doesn't go far enough! America is totally getting screwed over! Can you imagine if the Euro-fascists let football, I mean REAL football into the Oylmpics?!

We would annihilate China in REAL football! Look how small their arms are!
WE WOULD KILL CHINA IN REAL FOOTBALL! It would be embarrassing and they know it so that's why it'll never happen!

So I say to China: stop hiding behind your judges!! If they would just let Michael Phelps do track and field and tennis we would have all the gold medals!

Also: you like freaking genetically alter your athletes or whatever and we never do that so they should really take like five medals away just for that!
And also um - they're communists! And they have more people, like a billion at least!, so when you count how many medals Per capita, by scale and such, we would have that many more medals - like one hundred more at least!

We are the best country! Number One!
No matter how you look at it America is still on top - okay, except in the actual medal count, which is fraudulent and shouldn't even be counted anyway, so whatever, f*ck those guys, if we had like an ass-kicking competition we would win a dozen more gold medals! Countries would be giving us their gold medals out of fear!, as well they should!