Thursday, September 20, 2012

How To Deal With Stress!

Curl Up In A Ball At The Center Of Your Bed Until The Cause Of Your Stress Goes Away!

The more hopeless, the better!
Lying in the center of your bed is key, because if you are too close to any of the edges, your problems may still find you. Do not make a sound. If you must whimper, do so into a down pillow. Turn off all the lights. Stay like this for half the day. With any luck, the problem that has caused your stress will go away. Stay like this for the remainder of the week just in case.

Cover Your Face In Your Hands And Cry Until The Cause Of Your Stress Magically Disappears!

She knows what she's doing!
Remember to repeatedly cry out to yourself "This is not happening" or "Please, God, no" until whatever it is that has caused your stress is eradicated by mystical forces beyond our understanding. This can be done on sidewalks, subways, and public bathrooms. The more pathetic and helpless you are, the more likely the ambiguously spiritual forces will alter the fabric of reality to eliminate the stressful situation from your otherwise amazing life.

Run Away From The Cause Of Your Stress And Pretend That It Never Happened!

Get the hell away from me, Problem!!
Depending on the scale of your problem, you may have to run away from your job, your children, and your current city. Keep in mind that your problem will no longer be a problem if you do this, so fuck them. Change your name, your hair color, and get cosmetic alterations to your nose, and, if applicable, your breasts. You will be an entirely new person, which is needed, if you truly want to solve the cause of this stressful predicament. 

Blame Obama

Just remember: It is all this guy's fault
Somehow, someway, we all know that Obama is the cause of the problem that has made you stressed. Do what millions of Americans have done already and blame him constantly, at bars, at sporting events, while viewing Fox News. Do this until you are numb in your face and heart. Your stress has been solved, friends. 

Concentrate Hard Enough So That You Can Somehow Fall Into An Alternate Dimension Where The Cause Of Your Stress Doesn't Even Exist, You Like Have No Problems Whatsoever, Everyone Is Happy And You're Married To A Hot Model Or Whatever! 

Alternate dimensions are possible, if you just believe!
Consider the choices you should have made that would have prevented the inevitable failure that is in your future. Say things like, "If only I had done this instead..." and hypothesize a completely different life. Make sure to imagine this future as specifically as possible (you don't want to accidentally think of ways to solve your problem). Do this until a wormhole opens in-between the folds of space-time and you fall directly (but safely) into that hole, birthing this new alternate dimension. Anything is possible with quantum mechanics, you dummy! You simply must have the desire the avoid your problem at all costs. If that doesn't work, blame Obama. 

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