Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Political Analysis: The Road to 2056

This election is over, with Obama back for four more years. But the election cycle doesn't stop there. With the final numbers in, pundits and political insiders are looking ahead to not only 2016, but also to 2056, in a race that appears wide open. Let's look at the top potential presidential candidates for '56! 

Walter Dodd, Ohio (R)

A staunch neo-conservative, six-year-old Walter Dodd caught the attention of national pundits for his controversial war-hawk agenda, something that could gain traction in the coming decades. When asked what he would do with Iran, he screamed, "Bomb them!" And China: "Bomb them!" And Russia: "Bomb them!" He also, reportedly, threatened to bomb France, Italy, Canada, and Mexico. And America. Republicans are eyeing him as a strong potential candidate, but he faced some controversy last year for reportedly drawing boobs on the Man with the Yellow Hat in his "Curious George" coloring book, an act that the New York Post called, "Crass, sexist, and completely juvenile." Let's see if he can rebound with a solid year in the 2nd grade before we make any Dodd '56 signs, am I right?

Robert Starr, South Carolina (D)

Robert Starr, at seven, is playing all his cards right. First, when Robert was five, his Dad left him and his family, never to be seen again. Then Robert's mother became addicted to pain killers and he had to be separated from his brother, the thirteen year old Kenneth, who was sent to juvenile detention for stealing 1,000 dollars worth of electronics from the local Walmart. Robert is currently living with a loving but lonely aunt (on his mother's side), while suffering taunts from classmates over the shabby jeans he has to wear because of his miserable poverty. "This is a brilliant, Clinton-esque tragic childhood," says a political insider. "Starr is making all of the right moves to secure his spot in the '56 elections." Starr is being touted as a strong presidential candidate, but he still needs to suffer through at least one traumatic death to make a serious dent in the '56 electoral college.

Samuel Parker, Illinois (I)

Viewed, by many, as the ultimate outsider, Samuel Parker, 8 months of age, despises all politics-as-usual. An anonymous source deep in the Parker camp says it best: "Sam doesn't care at all about politics. Whenever I even mention it, he becomes agitated and tired. He just needs food and my breast milk, and he's happy. He doesn't owe any special interest groups, that's for sure. We need an outsider like Sam to clean out Washington once and for all." Pundits will be eyeing his potty training closely to see if Sam has what it takes to form a worthwhile coalition outside of D.C. He should start worrying about fundraising soon if he's going to rely on a grassroots populace vote.

Amanda Wells, New York (D)

A year ago pundits were wondering if potential candidate, Amanda Wells (age five), had the strength to be tough with China and soft with voters. Though she could secure a large portion of the '56 women's vote, many had been calling her personality cold and unrelatable. These problems paled in comparison to the early October news that she had dumped her kindergarten boyfriend, Doug Smith, and started dating another classmate, Bill Simon, all on the same day. When questioned by reporters, Wells could only say, "Doug mean. Bill nice boy." Wells has to now contend not only with her likability factor, but also with this salacious scandal. Many pundits think her time has passed. "2056 just isn't in the cards for her," said an anonymous source deep in the Democratic party. He then quickly added, "Maybe 2060."