Tuesday, January 29, 2013

This 100th Commemorative Blog Post

100 blog posts! 100 memories!
Now is the time. This 100th Commemorative Blog Post is unlike any blog post that has ever been posted. It has been crafted carefully by Indonesian artisans and painstakingly weaved together by the St. Allentown Senior Citizen's Weekend Choir, PA.

This 100th Commemorative Blog Post has been donated to charity and can be given at grocery stores in lieu of cash and food stamps.

This 100th Commemorative Blog Post has been brought to you by the color Nothing. By the nation of Zambia. And, of course, by the number 100.

The color Nothing
This 100th Commemorative Blog Post has the consistency of steel. If you bend it, your hands will bleed. If you kiss it your lips will stick to its rusty coat, and you will regret it, and may well lose your lips, or at least their careful sheen.

Warning: If you stare into this 100th Commemorative Blog Post, this 100th Commemorative Blog Post stares back into you. You will not be able to sleep. If you do sleep, you will not dream. Terror will follow you, always.

This 100th Commemorative Blog Post does not acknowledge other blog posts, including the other 99 blog posts that proceeded it in this very blog. This 100th Commemorative Blog Post denies even being a blog. It denies political affiliation, religion, and all other social constructs. It believes in love but only for justice.

Why so angry, This 100th Commemorative Blog Post?!
This 100th Commemorative Blog Post is angry all the time and doesn't know why. The other day, this 100th Commemorative Blog Post held the door open at the movie theater for a young family of three, and when they didn't say thank you, just kept walking, this 100th Commemorative Blog Post muttered, "fuckers" under their tired breath.

And just like that, their day was ruined.

This 100th Commemorative Blog Post sleeps in so late sometimes that it doesn't even bother putting on pants. This 100th Commemorative Blog Post will just say, "never mind," and "maybe tomorrow" and stay in bed, curled.

But don't pity them too much.

This 100th Commemorative Blog Post is special because it is a milestone. No matter what it does it will be remembered and it knows it. It's all numbers.

This has crippled this 100th Commemorative Blog Post's drive. Its capacity for greatness. Or so it believes.

"Now is the time" they always tell this 100th Commemorative Blog Post, but time for what? And does it even matter what? 

Or maybe these are not even the right questions, ponders this 100th Commemorative Blog Post, sipping its ice chai latte as it flirts halfheartedly with the cute redheaded barista at the corner Starbucks, leaning tamely against the bar. Maybe the real question should be: Why even bother?

The answer I'd give this 100th Commemorative Blog Post: We can all achieve greatness. Every single one of us has a chance.

Monday, January 21, 2013

How to cook the Timothy Moore Salmon Surprise!

Picture this, except burnt!
First, buy your frozen salmon fillets from Harvest Time Foods. You can get like four fillets at eight dollars, which is good, I guess? Anyway, no matter what you do, don't defrost the fillets. That'll ruin the surprise.

Use something like this!
Get a pan. Do not grease or Olive Oil or butter the pan. Instead, tell yourself that you'll just move the fish around real quick and that way it will not stick.

Put that oven on high, friend. Wait until that oven burner gets that lava color for maximum efficiency. Because the hotter the burner the faster your frozen fillet will cook, you dummy!

Ready?

Throw the fillet onto your pan!

Dramatization
When you burn the salmon, panic. If it's gotten as bad as a fire, please call 911 or at least tell your roommates (if you don't have a roommate, do not cook Timothy Moore Salmon Surprise). Turn on the kitchen fan so the whole kitchen can smell like burnt. Next, if you have not burnt down the kitchen and died, you will find that the salmon, despite the confidence you hold in your spatula, is sticking to the pan. Understand that there must be some liquid in the pan to prevent sticking. Use the Kikkoman Soy Sauce that you forgot you had in your cupboard.

You used this last time you cooked something! 
Success! Now your salmon smells like burnt soy sauce.

Your salmon, at this point, will have bits stuck onto the pan. Use your spatula to scratch off these black bits and sprinkle them delicately on top of the fillet. That'll be your garnish!

Now: take a bite of your concoction! Strangely, you've managed to cook the fillet to a point that the outside is burnt but the inside is completely raw.

Consider: your life. How have you managed to live this long? Question your ability to prolong your life and father children and somehow keep them alive too. Think about that cute girl on OkCupid who didn't respond to your message, because somehow she knew that you couldn't even cook a fillet.

After the self-loathing, consider throwing out the fillet. But then remember the Nuwave Infrared Oven that your parents, at significant expense, purchased and mailed to you to avoid any incidents of burning of kitchens and dying.

Otherwise called, by your so-called friends, "The Cancer Machine"
Put the burnt fillet into the Nuwave Infrared Oven and cook for five minutes on high! You did it! You are alive and your Timothy Moore Salmon Surprise is edible! Now that you know how to cook this, you can someday make Timothy Moore Salmon Surprise for all of your friends! They'll wonder about those little black bits and that strange Soy burnt goodness, but remember, a master chef never reveals their secrets!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Everything I've Learned About Blogging, From My Own Blogging

I am a living blog! Remember me?!
If you really must blog, make sure you have something new to say. Or say something old in a way that only you can say it. Otherwise, why say it?

And in saying what only you can say, make sure you just say it already, don't stall, don't spend time with introductions. Just start.

The title of your blog post should serve as your introduction. If you're too clever and vague with your blog post title you will fail in attracting potential readers who might be interested in the topic presented in your blog post, and you will also waste valuable blogging space introducing the topic when it can be done with a clear blog post title. 

Pictures, one must have pictures! Too much text will blind your loyal readership! 

Here is a picture of a cat.
Blogging is not essaying and not journaling. You can write an essay or keep a journal on your blog, but then they are just essays or journals on your blog. Same with poems.

So what is a blog then? Who knows?

The more I plan a blog the more disastrous it becomes. The more complex, the more weight it holds, the more likely it will fall in on itself and die.

I used to blog ridiculous posts, what I would like to call anti-blogs, because I believed blogs could hold no real substance. I now think that they can hold substance, but only enough to fit in the palm of your hand. 

Do not try to pander to your audience and write what you think will attract readers, they will see through you, you big fake. 

Care about what you write, but don't care so much that you'll be embarrassed about caring about it four years in the future.

Here is another picture of a cat.
You can be more informal with your blogging language. You can swear and fucking spell wurds the way you think they shuld be spell'd.  

Blogging is a good way to develop your writing voice. A good place to experiment.

If you use your blog to sell yourself or your work, you are not really blogging you are advertising, which is fine, really.

If you begin blogging and keep at it, it can be the most rewarding writing that you do. I have complete ownership of this blog, and no one can make me write or design it in any way.

Tag your post, label it. Post it on social networking sites, but only when you have a new blog post. No one likes being spammed. No one should feel obligated to read your blog.

Some people have a main topic for their blog, but I've never been able to be interested in one thing for too long.

Some of those people with a topic for their blogs are trying to get book deals, which is fine too.

I don't think William Shatner will star in my blog. Maybe yours?

Humor is harder than you think to write in your blog. Be careful with being too snarky. If you're self-conscious, bitter, or defensive, that will show too, regardless if you try to hide it or not.

My blog, to me, is everything that's in my head. It is my mind cut open. 

Here is a picture of a cat.

"Thanks for reading!"