Monday, January 21, 2013

How to cook the Timothy Moore Salmon Surprise!

Picture this, except burnt!
First, buy your frozen salmon fillets from Harvest Time Foods. You can get like four fillets at eight dollars, which is good, I guess? Anyway, no matter what you do, don't defrost the fillets. That'll ruin the surprise.

Use something like this!
Get a pan. Do not grease or Olive Oil or butter the pan. Instead, tell yourself that you'll just move the fish around real quick and that way it will not stick.

Put that oven on high, friend. Wait until that oven burner gets that lava color for maximum efficiency. Because the hotter the burner the faster your frozen fillet will cook, you dummy!


Throw the fillet onto your pan!

When you burn the salmon, panic. If it's gotten as bad as a fire, please call 911 or at least tell your roommates (if you don't have a roommate, do not cook Timothy Moore Salmon Surprise). Turn on the kitchen fan so the whole kitchen can smell like burnt. Next, if you have not burnt down the kitchen and died, you will find that the salmon, despite the confidence you hold in your spatula, is sticking to the pan. Understand that there must be some liquid in the pan to prevent sticking. Use the Kikkoman Soy Sauce that you forgot you had in your cupboard.

You used this last time you cooked something! 
Success! Now your salmon smells like burnt soy sauce.

Your salmon, at this point, will have bits stuck onto the pan. Use your spatula to scratch off these black bits and sprinkle them delicately on top of the fillet. That'll be your garnish!

Now: take a bite of your concoction! Strangely, you've managed to cook the fillet to a point that the outside is burnt but the inside is completely raw.

Consider: your life. How have you managed to live this long? Question your ability to prolong your life and father children and somehow keep them alive too. Think about that cute girl on OkCupid who didn't respond to your message, because somehow she knew that you couldn't even cook a fillet.

After the self-loathing, consider throwing out the fillet. But then remember the Nuwave Infrared Oven that your parents, at significant expense, purchased and mailed to you to avoid any incidents of burning of kitchens and dying.

Otherwise called, by your so-called friends, "The Cancer Machine"
Put the burnt fillet into the Nuwave Infrared Oven and cook for five minutes on high! You did it! You are alive and your Timothy Moore Salmon Surprise is edible! Now that you know how to cook this, you can someday make Timothy Moore Salmon Surprise for all of your friends! They'll wonder about those little black bits and that strange Soy burnt goodness, but remember, a master chef never reveals their secrets!

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