Tuesday, April 30, 2013

My OKCupid Dating Profile

This is what you're missing, future lover!
My self-summary
I am so confident and sexy! I can do anything because I am so tall. I look good in a suit (see picture above)! The face I am making in the picture above is my sex face. I've had sex over a half-dozen times. I keep getting better at it too (humblebrag, amirght?!). I have symmetrical features and above average bone structure, and I am loyal too! Even though we haven't met in person yet I know we will be in love soon!

What am I doing with my life 
Ha! Irrelevant. Next question!

I'm really good at
Um um um I am good at doing nice things for you and then being really nice so nice and then you'll even feel guilty sometimes because I'm always nice (you don't have to be as nice it's okay) and anyway, you'll say, "Why are you so nice!" and I'll say, "Here's a dozen roses!" That's how I roll, always constantly forever!

The first things people usually notice about me
"When did you come here! I didn't even notice you were there all this time!" Hahaa - people don't even notice I'm there but I'm there! That's the first thing people notice! And then when I leave the party people notice that they didn't notice I left. They're like, "I didn't even notice you were gone the other day at that party." Weird, right?!

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I'll like whatever you like, sweetheart (can I call you that, my lover?!)!

The six things I could never do without 
1. Seeing you, you beautiful sexy person you!
2. Getting your phone calls! Call me all the time! I'm waiting - hahaha - just kidding! Just feel free, whenever!
3. Kissing you on the lips! Mwah! I give the best kisses! Everyone loves them (girls I mean - lol)!
4. Your text messages! Text me whenever you're out so I know where you are, okay?! Otherwise, it's like you're cheating on me or something, haha - just kidding, I don't think that (but seriously if this is going to work I need you to text me back when I text you okay, it's really not too much to ask for, lol).
5. A picture of you! So when I don't see you I can still imagine you and talk to your picture. I can be like, "I miss you" to the picture, and then I'll do your voice too, "I miss you too, Tim" is what your picture will say and it'll be almost like the real thing when you're not around (please be around)!
6. Your commitment to this relationship.

I spend a lot of time thinking about 
What I would do without you in my life. Why don't you message me back? I've been waiting. I'll pay for dinner. I'll pay for our apartment. I'll pay for the wedding - haha - I mean not now, like in a couple months or whenever! I'll wait for you, baby, I'm classy and confident!

On a typical Friday night I am 
Waiting for you to change my life!

The most private thing I'm willing to admit
Not to alarm you but I have these really terrible night terrors sometimes so when we sleep together I might wake up and scream and kick like a crazy person - haha! Don't be scared when this happens, just slide under the bed and don't wake me up because I might have a heart attack! Also, I have terrible TMJ and my jaw locks open sometimes for hours at a time. You will have to massage the joints so my jaw can fall back in place. I don't like crowds or children, dogs, outside activities, hard work, your friends or family, and conversations. I love sleeping!...except when I have night terrors (as I've listed previously, you're paying attention, right, hahaha?! There's gonna be a quiz later - just kidding! I know you're reading carefully!).

I'm looking for 
You. You're perfect. More than enough for me! Just message me back already so we can start our lives (I'm not getting any younger and I'll have to make children soon)!

You should message me if 

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