Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Official Apology For My Hacked Email That Might Have Spammed You Or Given Your Computer A Terrible Virus


I just wanted to nip this scandal in the bud before it gets further out of hand. Yes, my email was hacked. And, yes, it sent various emails with various links to many, if not all, of my email contacts. This includes friends, former teachers, possible employers, prospective agents, and people I haven't talked to in years.

You may think that this is my fault, and that right there is where you are wrong, sir (or madam). I am not at fault. How was I to know that hackersexspamsexvirus.xxx was not a safe site? The popup certainly seemed legitimate:


And when a site says that they're going to have a lot of [CENSORED] and [CENSORED], with [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED], how could any one of us resist?

I'm glad we got that out of the way. Because there are other things I want to address here. For one, how do we know the links sent in my hacked emails actually even contain viruses? [DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINKS] We might never know if they were truly dangerous or not. So, another thing you can't get mad at me about. You could have gotten that virus anywhere. I've heard some things about you. If you stop going to sites like [CENSORED GROSS CENSORED, GOD] you wouldn't have this problem.

Now, I want to address the possible employers who I might have spammed or virused here. Now let me ask you: Don't you want your future possible employee to be inquisitive? To search far and wide for the truth and maybe a little [CENSORED]? I know I would. An active mind is an active [CENSORED]. And agents, aren't you glad that I reminded you about my existence? Now you can finally read my book and give me moneys. Think of the spam as a friendly reminder [THIS BLOG IS LEGALLY REQUIRED TO TELL YOU TO NOT CLICK ON ANY OF THE LINKS FROM THE HACKED EMAIL].

And friends I haven't talked to in years! Isn't it great to hear from me again? I know, okay, yes, TECHNICALLY, it wasn't from me - but I'd like to think that my email somehow rebelled against me and tried, desperately, to bring us back together! The link is like a little hello, a special, personalized greeting [JESUS - IT'S LIKE HE WANTS YOU TO CLICK ON THE LINK BUT DO NOT CLICK ON THE LINK]. It's my email saying, "Click on this link and Tim will be your friend again!"


Really, what I'm trying to say here is that I'm the victim [WHAT]. I woke up giddy as a newborn. The sun was on my face, my hair. I was so cute. Not a care in the world. Now, with this email scandal, I'm racked with student loan debt, no permanent employment, and no children whatsoever. This hacking scandal has ruined me. I told the FBI to investigate this, but they're not on our side, people. It's courageous that I'm even posting this blog.

And courageously I must do what I know is right. To spare my family more embarrassment, I shall, no, I must resign. But I do so angrily, and vengefully. I am resigning at once and stepping down from all of the positions. Please, don't cry. You had your chance.

I didn't want for things to be blown out of proportion with this horrendous irredeemable scandal, so I'm writing this to you now. Thank you for your support during this trying time,

Timothy Moore