Thursday, August 29, 2013

What I'm Doing Right Now

Right now I'm blogging when I should be planning my next lesson. Right now I have five tabs open on my browser and I'm sitting in a cafe, listening but pretending not to listen to the cute baristas talking because I have a weakness for cute baristas. They are talking about the life of batteries and why their cells die so quickly. There is a metaphor here.

Every two seconds I check Facebook because what if I miss something? Every minute I write one more sentence for the new novel that I'm writing. Every ten minutes I check OkCupid and I decide, Nah, I'm not gonna go on a date after all.

Think about now, just for a minute. Right - now. No, I mean now. Why can't you hold onto Now? Why does it move so fast already? I just want to grab Now and say, Hold on, you dumb jerk.

Right now, not really right now, but like in my life right now, I've gotten exactly what I wanted. Three months ago all I kept saying was: All I want is a teaching job, a small job at like a bookstore, time to write, and to do things in the literary community. And I got it, all of it. I'm been a glutton for good fortune after a rocky beginning to the year.

And I'm still not happy. Can you believe that? I'm just anxious about everything I have to do. If I could just grab onto Now for one moment...

Right now there is a man in a biker's helmet twerking outside the cafe. He is twerking his butt at the cafe window but no one seems to care except me.

Right now, ah, it's already passed, but a woman with a baby was annoyed that they don't take credit cards here in the cafe. I thought she was going to make a big deal about it, but now she's gone already. Now, she's been gone.

If you could capture Now in a bottle would it become an aged red wine? Or would it suffocate and die, shriveling almost instantly? There's a metaphor here.

Here's the thing - I feel like I've wanted all these things I've wanted for so long that I never thought I'd get them, And now all of that is Now, Now O'Clock. Not thirty minutes to Now or half past Now. Now is Now already!

In my journal, and in every journal I have, I've written at the front:

Be Bold, Have Pride, and Smile, Always

I wrote that because I always have to remind myself to do these things, like now. I mean - now. 

If I could freeze Now, would I be happy? Would I actually appreciate the fortune in my life? Would I close all my tabs, hell, close down my Chromebook completely, shut down the furnace in my brain, and say, definitively, "I'm living the life I want to live. I am here, finally, Now. I am living Now."

Right now, a woman is explaining to an ESL student how many students she's teaching. There is a language barrier and the ESL student keeps thinking she's saying 50 students, not 15.

Right now, I'm thinking about my lesson, and velocity, and my friend who just entered the cafe unexpectedly. I'm thinking that maybe it's a mistake to write a blog post that is so personal. And the labor day weekend ahead, I'm thinking about that and how wonderfully long it will be, a moment to slow down, just for a bit, before Now overtakes me.

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